and then a big brown shark came…

by ck on May 4, 2009

Twice. In one week. AND took out Bathtub Barbie.

Not that I care about that part. It actually felt good to throw one of those dolls out. But I’ve always prided myself on my gross factor (GF). Giving birth actually upped my ability to take on things that would have once made me ill. But last week…my GF really put on a lackluster performance.

The ONE/TWO bathtub combination is tricky. Not the synchronized clothes stripping, washing or letting them play. Those are fine. The trouble comes when it’s time to exit and dry off. Until this point TWO got out first because ONE wanted “extra time” to play. During this extra playtime she was responsible for cleaning the toys out of the tub so that the water was drained and I could close the curtain right after she exited.

Naturally, TWO has never cared to get out first. She’d pretty much scream and then try to hurl herself back in once she was dried and dressed. But this week ONE decided that she no longer wanted to clean the tub, so she wanted to get out first. TWO was delighted by this turn of events.

While I dried off ONE, TWO got suspiciously quiet. And I, like an idiot, thought nothing of it. Instead I enjoyed the silence. And when I absent-mindedly put my hand in the water to pull the drain, something warm and not plastic bumped against my hand.

Now look, I’ve been a professional mom for over 4 years now. I’ve been pooped on, proper, many times. But this…

ONE “ewwwwwed” on my behalf as I yanked TWO out of the tub. And apparently my GF was having an off-week because I actually dry-heaved while scooping evidence of lunch out of the water with a toy. (And I never show signs of weakness like that.)

I spent the next 24-hour period trying to get ONE to “understand” that she would be getting out of the tub second from now on. I even hinted that I might clean up. ONE told me I was lucky she was still getting in the tub with her sister at all.

I couldn’t argue that.

So I went into hyper-drive. Fast bath, fast play-time, fast drying-off of ONE, all while watching the baby. And as I reached into the tub to pull out TWO, I noticed that she was breaking something apart in her hands. And as far as I could recall none of our bath toys had corn in them. I yanked TWO out, dressed her and deposited her in her crib.

Cleaning out the tub was horrific this time. The poop was soggy and bloated and everywhere. And I couldn’t even see it clearly because there were just enough bubbles left to obstruct my view.

Toys? Trash.

Bathtub Barbie with doo-doo lodged in her lovely, blonde locks. Trash.

Even still there were large crumbs collected at the drain that didn’t melt when sprayed with disinfectant or scalding hot water. They had to be manually removed. But not before I yakked on them.

Gross Factor? America has voted and I’m afraid that this is the end of the road for you.

©2009 CEK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

 

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{ 36 comments }

Futureblackmail May 4, 2009 at 8:54 am

I love it that ONE doesn’t want to bathe with TWO anymore….of course she doesn’t, I don’t like hanging out in the toilet either!

This completely grossed me out the first time my daughter did this. I didn’t know kids “did this.”

KathyB! May 4, 2009 at 9:50 am

You might seriously want to consider separate baths for awhile. In our house when this stuff started happening, well, it’s a long story. But I’m guessing your daughter has figured out she can control this and that she’s probably doing it on purpose.

And FYI, I’m going to have to start reading your blog later in the day. You’ve ruined my breakfast. Again. And I think I’m off corn for awhile, too.

thenewcomer May 4, 2009 at 10:53 am

Hey- thanx for stopping by and the lovely comment!

Brit in Bosnia May 4, 2009 at 11:34 am

Been there. Its horrendous. I prefer to draw a pleasently fragranced flower curtain over the picture, I’m still scarred.

By the way – Potty Diaries (www.potty-diaries.blogspot.com) had a very similar experience the other day. Wonder if the toddler pooing in bath syndrome is catching?

parenting BY dummies May 4, 2009 at 11:34 am

Wow! My #2 also enjoys bath time once #3 has exited (#1 downright refuses cobathing). #2 has an affinity for putting water in his mouth and squirting it out (like some botanical garden fountain). Imagine my horror when I once discovered that #3 had left a deposit of sorts in the bath tub after I pulled him out. #2 swears he didn’t taste poop. And, you CAN NOT put hand sanitizer in a kid’s mouth. Apparently it burns really badly:)

Keyona May 4, 2009 at 12:02 pm

Eww…that’s all I can say.

Jill May 4, 2009 at 12:12 pm

My 4 yo did the same thing last week!!! And that was after he crapped his pants twice earlier in the day. I’m so tired of cleaning up crap from this kid, I’m ready to put a plug in his butt!

sunnymom May 4, 2009 at 12:33 pm

I thought the same way. After being peed on, shit on, puked on, and who really knows what else I could handle the floater in the tub but I was also wrong. I did manage to at least make it to the toilet before puking. The other one I don;t get is the dog poop/puke. Even the thought of it brings up a little bit of breakfast. Maybe we are just conditioned to handle our kids gross stuff better.

Did you just sneak Barbie out to the trash?? That is what I have to do when i cannot take 15 naked Barbies watching my post mommy body shower in the morning.

Jen May 4, 2009 at 1:15 pm

I’ve been there. Yep. This is one of the parenting situations that NO ONE thinks to share with you before they happen. You just find yourself caught, thinking WTF while you handle someone else’s poo. All while trying to keep your cool with the kids. I feel for you, and yet I can offer no advice. In our house, the phase was short and thoroughly disgusting.

Jacqueline May 4, 2009 at 1:51 pm

That’s what I have to look forward to??????? Oh NO!!! Especially worse, I have a BOY! LOL. I wish you the best of luck with your girls. LOL :o)

Jalyn May 4, 2009 at 2:10 pm

…and then THAT happened.

Emily May 4, 2009 at 2:26 pm

I know it is gross, but I would welcome the excuse to throw out all the pink, plastic junk that people insist on giving to girls. In fact, my daughter has pooped in the tub so many times I lost count (something about warm water and bowels). I have a great idea, maybe I should collect all the pink and plastic, call them “tub toys” and hope for the best…..a deposit in the tub equals a deposit in the trash!

Tiffany May 4, 2009 at 2:31 pm

Been there so many times I’ve lost count sister!! :)

supplychick May 4, 2009 at 2:34 pm

OMG! FUNNY! Made funnier by the fact this just happened in our house last week. My daughter (she’s 3) graciously handed me handfuls of the “stuff” and many tub oiys went missing that night. And I yakked too.

supplychick May 4, 2009 at 2:35 pm

oopss…tub TOYS…apparently I’m still so scarred by this event I can’t even spell straight…

Faith May 4, 2009 at 2:42 pm

Bad Mommy Moments is the best birth control ever. I prescribe it to all my friends ;)

D May 4, 2009 at 3:12 pm

Eddie Murphy is one of my all time favorite stand up comedians. But that was truly gross. G.I. Joe up the butt. Is this what I have to look forward to with a boy?

Jessica May 4, 2009 at 4:06 pm

Miss Thang pooed once or twice in the tub as an infant. While it was hysterical, it was mostly disgusting. She has yet to have a toddler tub poop, but I am TERRIFIED of it. My friend and his wife call the Tub Poop, the Poop Snake, since it looks like it’s swimming.
YAK.

Giselle May 4, 2009 at 4:36 pm

Beyond hilarious. I just shared that video with everyone around me.

Swany May 4, 2009 at 6:06 pm

Hey former Boss Lady,

I haven’t tuned in a long time, regrettably because this was the funniest thing i have read in a month. tx for sharing. When my hectic life settles down a bit I’ll start writing again. You ma’am are an inspriation.

Tina May 4, 2009 at 6:25 pm

LOL Oh so been there sooooo done that to many times to count. I am so sorry for you. Oh what our live become as professional moms…..The glamour is amazing.

yvonne May 4, 2009 at 6:33 pm

This post made Tony laugh SO hard! So funny. I actually can’t remember this ever happening to me when I raised my kids. Either it never happened… OR it’s the kind of stuff you block out forever!

Casey May 4, 2009 at 8:18 pm

Dude, I’m so sorry for you. We broke our poop cherry awhile back and have only had one repeat since but man, it was bad. And my husband (who was bathing the kids) completely fell apart and I had to step in and bark out orders. You’re right… all bath toys are deemed trash the second that muddy water hits them. Yuck.

Steel Magnolia May 4, 2009 at 8:43 pm

Oh my goodness! I sooo wish I could say that I can’t believe this happened, but, sadly, I know from experience that it’s true.

My 3 year old just asked, “Why are you laughing and making that face?” I could hardly answer. Oh my goodness!

Heather May 4, 2009 at 9:29 pm

I love you but thats just beyond grodie.

resplendentlife May 4, 2009 at 9:55 pm

Oh my gosh! This was a hilarious post. I just dropped by last week for your stand-up routine, but I definitely have to check back regularly.
Eddie Murphy is comic genius…that clip was hilarious!
My son JUST did the same thing last week….also twice.
The second time, it happened on The Hubs watch and dude just couldn’t handle it. Is it bad that I loved seeing him squirm.
Again, great post and I will be back!

The Mother May 4, 2009 at 10:36 pm

Man, you have had a week.

I think the time has come to bathe one and two separately. And let the perpetrator clean up after herself. That should be the end of it.

Sorry.

JNH May 4, 2009 at 10:51 pm

eeeeewwwwwwwwwwww

faemom May 5, 2009 at 1:24 am

I’ve been there, done that. I disinfected the tub, the toys, the boys. It was with Evan, so Sean’s days are still coming. And now I have a bath mat too to disinfect. *shudder*

Amber May 5, 2009 at 1:49 am

Yuck!

I hate poop in the tub. It also makes me gag. My daughter has only done it once so far. I think she freaked herself out so she’s never done it again.

Of course, after I post this I imagine that tomorrow night she’ll totally crap in the bath just to spite me.

Evenshine May 5, 2009 at 9:57 am

Oh…my….Good…Lord…..

Country-Fried Mama May 5, 2009 at 11:52 am

Oh, ck, I’m sorry. But yes, it is funny when it happens to someone else.

Gibby May 5, 2009 at 12:35 pm

I have felt a bath-tub soaked brown shark between my fingers. A feeling that I will always remember.

*shudder*

One time it happened in one of those plastic baby pools. Those dumb swim diapers? Yeah, they hold pretty much NOTHING.

Erica May 7, 2009 at 5:34 pm

I still cringe from occasional flashbacks… :(

nicole May 13, 2009 at 5:58 pm

OMG…i almost got in trouble because i’m at work and i started laughing out loud and, well, i’m really not supposed to be checking out blogs. fortunately, my laughter turned into giggles. i’m almost over it now. i guess i can appreciate your story…as a mom i’ve had to “save” the baby from many a brown shark…

thanks for the giggle! i’m better now.

cory October 18, 2009 at 10:59 pm

Gi joe playing in the water……then the big brown shark came. ROTFLMAO
FUKNG CRACK UB SHIT. Legend

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