wife gone wild

by ck on June 8, 2009

The problem with the Girls Gone Wild videos isn’t just the exploitation of poor, drunk, college-aged girls who should be interning during spring break. Or the fact that I’m referencing the almost-porn monopoly 10 years past its prime. No, the problem with the GGW franchise is how the commercials dropped a bad idea into the mind of a boring wife who never actually watched the videos to understand how it was done.

And so one day this wife went on a trip with her husband. She was so beyond thrilled to be leaving Virginia that she felt a little wild by the time they hit 95. Normally she was reserved and dull so she decided to introduce her other side. The dormant one. But flashing her husband wasn’t enough. She was WiLdEr than that. She was going topless.

Whatev. They were in a Tundra, above almost every other car on the road. But she wanted it to be a surprise so she fumbled with the undoing of the bra straps while he changed lanes and whatnot. And before he knew it she was top bare. And strangely confident. Laughing, giggling, suggestive comments all around. Who was this wife?

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNKK! The wife whipped around and found that she and her breasts were staring at a Truck Driver.  She dropped down in the seat. Her husband thought it was hilarious. He and the truck driver shared some gross moment at her expense as she struggled to get her shirt back on. Her husband was gracious and only drove closer to the truck one time before he floored it. But the roach of a driver must have said something over his radio about the incident because for the remainder of their visit on 95N they were honked at, waved to and leered at by most of the truck drivers that passed them.

Clearly, had she even remembered the commercial properly she would have recalled that the girls flashed the camera, thus allowing them to drop their shirt back down over their breasts when the time was right.

FWD 8 years later…

The wife and her husband drove away from their children for a weekend. She was so overcome with joy that by the time they hit 95 she was feeling all wild and crazy again. She actually thought about ripping her shirt off, but the thought was gone so quickly it was like being visited by the ghost of titties past. Which led to an internal struggle. I mean, what’s the big deal? Between her botched breast-feeding attempts and the Welcome to the Neighborhood incident, half of NoVa had seen her breasts anyway. What difference did it make?

But she couldn’t do it.

What happened to her? This tiny little wild streak, squlelched by experience and truck drivers and turning 31. She was so disappointed with herself that she almost did it just on principal. But breasts on principal wouldn’t count. Plus their CR-V wasn’t nearly as high off the ground. And they were stuck in traffic. And she wasn’t 25. (Nor were her breasts.) Plus she was oddly comfortable in her reserve.

Which meant one thing. The search for her inner wildchild was about to begin. Once they got off of 95, anyway.





parentingBYdummies June 8, 2009 at 8:37 am

Hope you found her! If not you are welcome to come join BFF and I on our Independence Day Moon Bounce and see if being drunk while jumping up and down brings any wild out. I’m fearful that the only thing it will be bringing out is the hot dogs and chips I will be consuming before:)

Futureblackmail June 8, 2009 at 9:08 am

I’m impressed that at ANY point in your life you had the guts to do that!!

Yvonne Moss June 8, 2009 at 9:24 am

I can suggest a couple of wild side moments for the very married, happy couple that are fun in the car… in person that is.

TheKitchenWitch June 8, 2009 at 10:06 am

Laughing here! As someone who paraded around topless in Miami beach 7 years ago, I feel for you. It’s hard when your “inner wild thing” grows up and becomes self-conscious!

Mira June 8, 2009 at 12:11 pm

It’s funny because after giving birth and exposing most of yourself to half a hospital of people (and my MIL) I think one does become more reserved almost as a response to the lack of privacy during all that. Perhaps you are just taking back control over your ‘girls?’ I mean they’ve been public domain for much less fun reasons lately, right? (unless you found BFing fun)

Jill June 8, 2009 at 12:30 pm

Good luck finding her. I left mine in a bar in Milwaukee about 12 years ago, I think :-)

Unknown Mami June 8, 2009 at 2:44 pm

If you don’t find your inner wild child, you could always start your own enterprise called, “Girls Gone Tame”.

Keyona June 8, 2009 at 4:39 pm

I need to find my inner wildness as well….I’m only a few minutes from 95! :o)

Tina June 8, 2009 at 4:55 pm

OK I sooooooooooooo would have done it without hesitation but you will die when reading this………..my boobs are perfection! The again my plastic surgeon is second on my speed dial :O

My husband on the other hand would be the one who would die! But alas not childless getaway for this mom of six anytime soon booo hoooo.

The Mother June 8, 2009 at 5:04 pm


I long ago stopped bewailing my falling boobs.

But maybe it’s not too late…

Jen June 8, 2009 at 5:23 pm

I am laughing hysterically right now. I too once had a incident in which hubby and I refer to as the TransCanada Special……….But i can also say with confidence that those days are LONG gone. Something about being thirty something or maybe a mother…not sure but I cover up a little(lot) more than 12 years ago when we first got together.
Goodluck finding your inner wildchild….I’m not going to attempt it for a little (long) while. ;)

faemom June 8, 2009 at 5:57 pm

The first part was hilarious! It was great! I think you’re wild side is still there. When you get older, you learn the right time to unleash it so that right two people can enjoy, not the third, fourth or fifth. You go, Wild Child!

Ink June 8, 2009 at 6:56 pm

Oh, I forgot about Welcome to the Neighborhood. Tee hee! That needs to be in your novel…

Casey June 8, 2009 at 8:34 pm

Nice work, WGW! My boobs have seen more action than I’d care to admit but that was in my younger/drinking days. These days the shop is closed for business and I don’t flash anyone.

Truck drivers do have their own secret language, it’s gross and hilarious at the same time.

KathyB! June 8, 2009 at 11:31 pm

If I whipped my top off these days I’d likely scare someone to death. The call going out on the trucker network would be to run for your life.

And, um, ck? I just got back from vacation… I was expecting a little something!!! Where is it?!

insider53 June 9, 2009 at 2:16 am

If you had done it can you imagine, what with todays technology, you would have been all over youtube filmed by someones cell phone 10 min. after doing it. It would have gone viral and had 152,672 hits in the first 24 hours. Blogs all across America would be posting it. You would become the fantasy of underage boys and men who should know better. Sounds like fun when do we start.

w June 11, 2009 at 12:13 pm

Oh you bring back the memories!!!!!!!! Thought I was the only naughty girl.

But your right, where has the wild girl gone in all of us? Now everytime I get the slightest urge to be wild/crazy/fun I get a picture of my mother-in-law’s pinched, condescending face in my mind which pretty much kills the idea in an instant!

Erica June 12, 2009 at 3:49 pm

Never let yourself give up on the inner wildchild!!

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