The problem with the Girls Gone Wild videos isn’t just the exploitation of poor, drunk, college-aged girls who should be interning during spring break. Or the fact that I’m referencing the almost-porn monopoly 10 years past its prime. No, the problem with the GGW franchise is how the commercials dropped a bad idea into the mind of a boring wife who never actually watched the videos to understand how it was done.
And so one day this wife went on a trip with her husband. She was so beyond thrilled to be leaving Virginia that she felt a little wild by the time they hit 95. Normally she was reserved and dull so she decided to introduce her other side. The dormant one. But flashing her husband wasn’t enough. She was WiLdEr than that. She was going topless.
Whatev. They were in a Tundra, above almost every other car on the road. But she wanted it to be a surprise so she fumbled with the undoing of the bra straps while he changed lanes and whatnot. And before he knew it she was top bare. And strangely confident. Laughing, giggling, suggestive comments all around. Who was this wife?
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNKK! The wife whipped around and found that she and her breasts were staring at a Truck Driver. She dropped down in the seat. Her husband thought it was hilarious. He and the truck driver shared some gross moment at her expense as she struggled to get her shirt back on. Her husband was gracious and only drove closer to the truck one time before he floored it. But the roach of a driver must have said something over his radio about the incident because for the remainder of their visit on 95N they were honked at, waved to and leered at by most of the truck drivers that passed them.
Clearly, had she even remembered the commercial properly she would have recalled that the girls flashed the camera, thus allowing them to drop their shirt back down over their breasts when the time was right.
FWD 8 years later…
The wife and her husband drove away from their children for a weekend. She was so overcome with joy that by the time they hit 95 she was feeling all wild and crazy again. She actually thought about ripping her shirt off, but the thought was gone so quickly it was like being visited by the ghost of titties past. Which led to an internal struggle. I mean, what’s the big deal? Between her botched breast-feeding attempts and the Welcome to the Neighborhood incident, half of NoVa had seen her breasts anyway. What difference did it make?
But she couldn’t do it.
What happened to her? This tiny little wild streak, squlelched by experience and truck drivers and turning 31. She was so disappointed with herself that she almost did it just on principal. But breasts on principal wouldn’t count. Plus their CR-V wasn’t nearly as high off the ground. And they were stuck in traffic. And she wasn’t 25. (Nor were her breasts.) Plus she was oddly comfortable in her reserve.
Which meant one thing. The search for her inner wildchild was about to begin. Once they got off of 95, anyway.
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