lucky number THREE

by ck on January 15, 2010

Some of the comments to my “If I’m being honest…” post made me cry. Not because they made me feel bad for myself, but because they forced me to acknowledge the WHY behind the guilt I struggled with. I mean, honestly, feeling guilty about loving my family as a four-top and not wanting another highchair brought to the table was kinda bunk.

The reason it came up at all was because I had the Mirena removed in November. It was a rocky, emotionally messy year and that damn IUD plunged me into several months of serious depression. Since the Mirena was the only birth control method I had left to try (the rest messed with my hormones as well) it brought the discussion to my husband. How serious were we about being “done?” He’s never really cared about getting a vasectomy. He viewed it as mundane as taking out the trash. It needed to get done and it was his turn. He made the date and I obsessed.

Finally one of my aunts stopped me in the middle of a rant and asked me if I had ever really grieved for the baby I lost. She suggested that maybe my familial expectations were off because I was almost a mother of three.

I forget THREE all the time. She wasn’t planned, but for a little while we expected her. Planned for her. Adjusted everything we thought we wanted to make room for her. And then she didn’t come. It happened so quickly. I thought I grieved, but maybe I didn’t. I honestly don’t know how to grieve for someone I never knew.

But I finally understood my anxiety. And in that moment my guilt was gone and a calming peace flooded my heart. I wasn’t betraying my little THREE by not adding more kids to the mix. They wouldn’t have been her anyway. And as ONE likes to say, “We’ll see her in heaven. But I hope she won’t surprise us by being a boy. Because boys are stinky.”

So today that part of our lives ends. No more babies. The finality of that excites me. Even the cold of winter isn’t making me claustrophobic. My perspective has completely changed because this is IT. This is the LAST TIME I’ll have a two-year-old spitting tantrums at my feet. The LAST January I’ll have both girls home with me all day. The LAST time I’ll have to get someone else to potty train my kid.

And so a huge THANK YOU to the wonderful friends and readers I’ve made through this blog. Thank you for making me think. Thank you for not letting me off the hook and for making me “go there.” It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

And thank you for telling me to enjoy my girls. I was so wrapped up in my head that I wasn’t enjoying them at all. Time is moving so quickly. I don’t want to miss any more than I already have.





Kathy January 15, 2010 at 8:44 am

Your a great mother, enjoy them cause soon they will be teenagers and then the hell starts….I mean fun! I only have one and never looked back she is my blessing. Have a wonderful weekend.

Veronica January 15, 2010 at 9:03 am

It sounds like you’ve got it all together now. I’m sorry, I’ve been lurking more than is polite lately. x

Country-Fried Mama January 15, 2010 at 9:52 am

I can only imagine how hard it was to move past the idea of THREE. I’m glad you were able to get there, ck.

Jen January 15, 2010 at 10:13 am

I have tears…..

Futureblackmail January 15, 2010 at 10:20 am

I don’t know you IRL but understand you have amazing strength…in the way you live your life and the way you parent your children.

Congratulations for recognizing what we all see. :)

Melinda January 15, 2010 at 10:30 am

I can imagine that making the decision to complete your family is a very tough one to make and be confident about. I am not there yet. You are blessed with wonderful children, you are a wonderful mother, and the world is better for the whole lot of you…no matter how many that lot consists of.

Casey January 15, 2010 at 10:59 am

Phew, I’m glad that’s done and over with! The worrying about the “procedure” was a thousand times worse than the actual procedure itself.

It’s a little bittersweet to know that we’ll never have another newborn with their cute little newborn cries and yawns and startling at every noise but we can always borrow someone else’s when we need a fix. Amen to no more potty training after our youngest kids are done. Amen to growing out of tantrums. Party of four is a great number and there’s almost always a table available.

Casey January 15, 2010 at 11:00 am

Just reread that comment and it sounded like it was MY husband who got snipped this week. Ha. I was just remembering back to when he got his in March. It was easy, breezy, beautiful, Cover Girl.

TheKitchenWitch January 15, 2010 at 11:04 am

Beautifully done. And boys DO stink :) I hope you have bags of peas chilling in the freezer to put on hubs’ prime real estate later! Hope he recovers quickly!

Keyona January 15, 2010 at 11:21 am

You are such a mommy hero to me. I am so glad you are at peace with your decision!

Tiffany January 15, 2010 at 11:42 am

Beautiful post. And I love “I hope it’s not a boy b/c boys are stinky.” Imagine being stuck for all eternity with a stinky boy.

The Mother January 15, 2010 at 12:30 pm

This is the last semester I will have a homeschooler at home.

I’m starting to panic.

Jenny January 15, 2010 at 1:44 pm

I always just wanted two, but when vasectomy day rolled around, I was sad. Iit has crossed my mind many times since then that I remain physically capable of making babies while my husband does not. Though I’ll never make use of that enduring little superpower, there’s something strangely comforting about having it. Maybe it’s wrapped up in the whole getting older thiing, just feeling like I have that ability that is the lot of young women and not the lot of old ones. But I also can relate to what you said about being 100% certainly done — knowing you’ll never have to do the worst of each age again. Now ONE can have the special privilege of being the first to do everything, and TWO can have the special privilege of being the last to do them, and in that, you’ll have that much more pride and sentimentality attached to their growing up.

Lyndsay January 15, 2010 at 2:06 pm

I got nothing really, other than I am happy you are in a place where you can happily and confidently make that choice for you and your family. You are such an encouragement to me, CK. :) Thanks.

Kimberly Hosey (AZ Writer) January 15, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Lovely post. Definitely, definitely enjoy them. Don’t let another day pass without enjoying them as much as possible. Too, though, don’t get upset about NOT having enjoyed them as much as you think you should — I did that with my son and unsurprisingly, it only makes things worse. There’s still a whole lot of good stuff ahead.

Or maybe I’m the only one who overthinks it that much. Enjoy your family.

Mira January 15, 2010 at 2:25 pm

I am making that decision myself because if I get another c-section this time I’ve told the Dr to tie me up while he’s in there. But there’s the lurking fear of disaster for me. Those stories of people who’s whole family died in a car crash stuff? The truly unlikely stuff but then what? I’ve gone and shut down the factory. DH is not comfortable considering doing his part so I’m frustrated about that because I’m not likely to get a c-section and then we have to really hash out who’s turn it is. I’m pretty sure it’s his turn to suffer a few days for the good of all of us.

In any case, good therapizing yourself. YOu’ve gotten to the bottom of it. I know I’m done, I never want to be pregnant again but I’m also scared and superstitious. It’s sure hard to shut up the store for good.

Evenshine January 15, 2010 at 2:59 pm

So glad you were able to wade through the weight of things and get to a place where you could open a door. Many, many congratulations on taking this step, and much encouragement as you walk through the door, shutting it behind you (but keeping a little peephole open!). Hugs to you!!

Steel Magnolia January 15, 2010 at 5:06 pm

You are such a brave woman. We spend a lot of time trying not to look at the stuff that’s messy and you just turn around stare it right in the face. Congratulations. I’m trying to get where you are!

Unknown Mami January 15, 2010 at 5:47 pm

You are insightful and honest and I have no doubt that you will continue to reveal yourself to yourself.

faemom January 15, 2010 at 6:37 pm

As happy as I am that you are guilt-free in this area, that you’ve come out on the other side, that you lay to rest THREE finally (and I’m really happy for you because you deserve this), I just realized I will have two more to potty train, another terrible twos, and three times the fun for teenagers. Thanx

red January 15, 2010 at 9:01 pm

I am writing to say thank-you. I stubbled across your blog when grieving my own miscarriage and your writing helped me to deal with it, and begin to embrace it a little bit in those early days. We have one wonderful little boy who is enough, but, I can’t let go that there should be someone else. And all the while that we pursue adoption I still feel innadequate. Thank-you for putting my emotions into words, I am grateful. I am also excited for you, moving forward is exciting and every stage that a child grows through is awesome. Enjoy them.

mccarthyculkin January 15, 2010 at 10:18 pm

Bob and I are taking care of your husband tomorrow. At a bar. With Joe Lies. Trust us, he will be fine. xoxoxo

Dawn January 16, 2010 at 3:09 pm

Ck, I am SO glad you are at peace with this.
I always imagined myself with three. My divorce stopped me at two and the guy I am dating has already had a vasectomy…I struggle with stopping at two. By you’re right, No more potty training IS wonderful.

Jane January 16, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Wow. I feel such release in this post. And hopefulness. Like a new chapter is beginning and you just can’t wait to dig in. Hugs, hugs, hugs to you!

heather January 16, 2010 at 6:35 pm

My husband and I are in the exact same place right now, trying to figure out if we have more or not. I just had my Mirena removed, and I FEEL so much better.I have a unique situation in that I gave up my first born at seventeen for adoption. So, with the two I already have, maybe I already have my three? Maybe I am not supposed to have more……Thank you for posting such honest thoughts and reminding me that I am not alone when I get all wrapped up in my head. I do my very best to live in the moment and to enjoy what I have. I really, truly enjoy reading your blog :o)

Gibby January 17, 2010 at 11:43 am

(I am laughing at Fae’s comment right now. OK, laughing WITH her. Cuz she’s laughing, right?)

When our V-day came around, I was not hesitant at all. Neither was Hubs, for that matter. I think he knew that this was right for us. (Maybe for me? But you know the saying…When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.) We are so blessed with the two beautiful daughters who are with us, and we thank God for that everyday.

So glad that you are at peace with your decision.

~Laura January 17, 2010 at 9:50 pm

Break out the peas! And tell hubs it’s not so bad. So proud of you and that you found your peace. Not a lot of us can do that in life.

Shawna May 20, 2010 at 12:19 pm

Today I am wondering how is that I haven’t stumbled upon your blog sooner than Five For Ten. Your write so beautifully about the processes of life, so clear, articulate and lyrical. Thank you again. AND welcome to recreational (rather than procreational) fun!
.-= Shawna´s last blog ..I’ve been lusting after this for a long time =-.

Cranky Sarah May 26, 2010 at 6:06 pm

I found The Mirena Diaries a long time ago – way before I read blogs and before I found BMM. It is very useful for women who are sensitive to hormone BC – especially those who are skeptical when their doctor says “Don’t worry, the hormone is SO low and it never enters your blood stream” I’m so glad I didn’t choose it.
.-= Cranky Sarah´s last blog ..10th Anniversary Chronicle =-.

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