the top 10 things I didn’t expect when I was expecting

by ck on March 8, 2010

10 – How much I’d dislike one of my kid’s friends. (The one who defaced something of mine after I respectfully corrected her bad behavior. I know, I know. This should really by titled: How I would talk smack about a 5-year-old)

9 – How nauseous I’d feel seeing this tagged on a bench at one of our regular parks:

Not just because it made my stomach drop to hear my daughter yell, “Mama? What does ‘b-i-t-c-h’ spell?” but because it made me remember how it felt to find the same thing written along with my name when I was 16.

8 – How much I’d loathe bathtime.

7 – How real sleepless nights, especially at other people’s houses, often include some form of helplessness and rage.

6 - How much I’d invest in healing paraphernalia, and how I’d require proof in blood before handing out Princess Band-Aids. Unless, of course, we’re having a playdate. Band-aids flow freely to the tune of a friend’s fake injury. 

5 - That sometimes, when I act like I’m talking to my kids in public, I’m really talking to the people around us. “Oh Sweetie, I’m so proud of how you dressed yourself today!” or “Now, now, you know I don’t listen to you when you whine.” or  “What’s that? You want to buy alphabet soup for the dog to see if makes her speak? Of course! Aren’t you clever.”

4 - How playdates for toddlers are really interviews for parents.

3 - PRESENT FAIL and how mad it would make me. Especially when I should’ve known better than to purchase something called Cra-Z-Cook’n Marshmallow Maker in the first place. Of course my 5-year-old would injure herself using it, and then demand a band-aid for her eye. Of course the 32-year-old parent who followed the teddy bear mold instructions implicitly could only make this: 

2 – The extent to which I’d go to locate where the smell of poop was coming from.

1 - How much fun it would be to pretend I don’t have kids. To wander around the zoo, a museum, or just sit in a coffee house alone. Of course, it’s only fun because I have kids to return home to. I never would’ve expected how lonely life would seem without them.





WarsawMommy March 8, 2010 at 8:57 am

Oh, I totally relate to #1. Just today I took whole pile of copy editing to a cafe to do – both boys are home today, and there was NO WAY to focus. I sat there drinking my coffee and having a chicken wrap for lunch and worked my butt off, and just felt so FREE.

Now I’m home and they’re running around and chaos is reigning and the music is blaring and I am SO happy. Today, I’ve had the best of both worlds… like you said, I’d probably not enjoy my ‘single girl’ time if I didn’t have these sweet boys to come home to.

I’m a first-timer; great stuff here! I’ll be back.

Lanita March 8, 2010 at 8:58 am

Were we separated at birth? Thanks for the good laugh this morning. I needed it!

Futureblackmail March 8, 2010 at 9:12 am

I thought the Easy Bake Oven was the best gift ever. I have now hidden it in the back recesses of my cupboard – praying my daughter doesn’t remember she owns it.

Gibby March 8, 2010 at 9:25 am

Um, number 3: what IS that? Remind me not to eat homemade cookies at your house.

As for number 10, I am disliking more and more of my kids’ friends. I am starting to think I am becoming a kid snob. All those other kids are so…destructive! And rude. And rule-breakers.

Kathy March 8, 2010 at 9:41 am

I so can relate! Might be why I only have one kid!

MsBurns March 8, 2010 at 9:47 am

If my present failed, which it quite possibly could have, I have the gift receipt. I just forgot to give it to you. It probably would have fallen out of your pocket anyway… ;-)

ck March 8, 2010 at 7:23 pm

This made me laugh! Thank goodness my mom was around to repair the damages. And PS: your gift was a HUGE hit!

Tiffany March 8, 2010 at 9:48 am

So true! This is the real what to expect…#5 is my favorite!

The Mother March 8, 2010 at 9:57 am

The auto insurance bill.

But I’m completely in agreement on playdates.

Suzicate March 8, 2010 at 10:16 am

Clever idea. Love this post. And it is so true!

Debby Carroll March 8, 2010 at 10:35 am

Bad news. That CRAP friend may someday grow up to have a parent you have to go to for a favor or something. Ironically, the worst and brattiest kids my daughters grew up with turn out to have parents who are now administrators in local school districts. My daughters (now grown and we blog together) are all teachers. Getting the picture? That parent I once “gently” informed about how annoying her kid was and how she continually threw kicking and screaming tantrums while playing at my house, is now a principal in a position to hire my daughter. Geez, who knew? You have to be nice to everyone because someday you might need them. It’s not fair or just! Love your blog, btw. Thanks. And, being at the other end of the parenting spectrum, I can tell you the bad mommy moments do get fewer and far between but I actually miss them. If you read my blog, you’ll hear the voices of my three daughters and you’ll be able to imagine my litany of bad mommy moments!

Cranky Sarah March 8, 2010 at 10:35 am

I hear ya on #8. Each of my 3 kids has pooped in the bath on several occasions. Despite the fact that after my ONE did it the first time, I would always wait until after an evening poo, even if that meant altering bath schedule.
I dread the days when we have crap friends, too.

Ink March 8, 2010 at 11:54 am

These rock. Guffawed at your teddy bear product. Giggled at “how I’d require proof in blood before handing out Princess Band-Aids” because I am sick of applying faux-injury Spongebobs. But loved them all.

And you are SO not a bitch.

theUngourmet March 8, 2010 at 12:13 pm

I love your list and can completely relate! I am especially fond of number five! :D Too funny!

soccermom March 8, 2010 at 12:50 pm

I can vaguely relate since it has been oh, so many years ago. However I do remember # 8 quite well. Hang in there.

TheKitchenWitch March 8, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Ugh, bratty friends are the worst. You just cringe when the doorbell rings.

#8. Spoke to me.

Amy at Never-True Tales March 8, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Excellent list! I especially love the marshmallow mold thingy one. It reminds me of a personal Space Dots Something-or-Other fail.

Mrs.Mayhem March 8, 2010 at 1:49 pm

All 10 items on your list are so true. Luckily, my four are all old enough that #2 no longer applies…most of the time.

Amber March 8, 2010 at 2:25 pm

Yes on #1. Some days I remember when I didn’t have children. Then I remember how sad I would be without them.

Veronica March 8, 2010 at 4:56 pm

#5 – totally.

faemom March 8, 2010 at 4:57 pm

#9 I hate the park. Where stupid teenagers deface and drop their cigarettes. Where parents don’t watch their bratty, misbehaving kids.

Maria March 8, 2010 at 6:22 pm

I agree with you about other people’s children. I have no tolerance for my own kids’ misbehavior and then I have tolerate a “friend’s” undoing of all the rules that have been inbedded in my own children…No thanks! Hilarious post!

Momma Sunshine March 8, 2010 at 7:43 pm

#2 made me laugh RIGHT out loud. I’ve SO been there. Too many times, in fact.

Maybe I should be embarrassed to admit that. Should I?

Screw it. heh

Jen March 8, 2010 at 8:15 pm

#7….yes the rage…….it is bad sometimes.

Kristen @ Motherese March 8, 2010 at 10:11 pm

Yes, yes, yes! So many of these resonated, especially the sleepless nights and the hatred of bath time. And what is it, exactly, about bath time? I love it when my boys smell all fresh and clean from the bath, but there’s just something about that task that gets me every time.

Naptimewriting March 9, 2010 at 12:51 am

Someone casually said at my son’s birthday party, “You’re going to think his present is really obnoxious. Don’t hate me too much.”
Um, if you already foresee this happening, CHOOSE SOMETHING ELSE!
Other parents are morons.

Keyona March 9, 2010 at 3:33 pm

“No Band-Aids for YOU!” Kinda reminds me of a Seinfeld episode. LOL! I know how you feel about locating poop smells. They will make you sniff places you never dreamed of.

~Laura March 9, 2010 at 5:03 pm

I love the idea of this list. Almost all of them resonated with me. I constantly do number 5. No idea why, but I do. And lately, I dislike more and more of my children’s friends. As they get older, they seem to get more obnoxious somehow. Then, I think what do these other parents think of my children?

Sarah March 9, 2010 at 11:14 pm

Oh I totally do number five all the time!! Here I was thinking I was the only one!

Tina March 15, 2010 at 1:03 am

#6 True at our house . If it’s not Bleeding or Broken SUCK IT UP. Then again I am dealing with many BOYs who are a little older. This is a GREAT post I LOVE it and am GUILT of doing many :P

Casey March 17, 2010 at 3:15 pm

I’m at Panera right now, pretending I don’t have kids. It’s LOVELY. But my sitter (who comes every Wed afternoon) can’t have kids and I always feel instantly guilty when I blather on about how terrible my life is with no sleep and people screaming at me all day. Perspective is a good thing.

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