10 – How much I’d dislike one of my kid’s friends. (The one who defaced something of mine after I respectfully corrected her bad behavior. I know, I know. This should really by titled: How I would talk smack about a 5-year-old…)
9 – How nauseous I’d feel seeing this tagged on a bench at one of our regular parks:
Not just because it made my stomach drop to hear my daughter yell, “Mama? What does ‘b-i-t-c-h’ spell?” but because it made me remember how it felt to find the same thing written along with my name when I was 16.
8 – How much I’d loathe bathtime.
7 – How real sleepless nights, especially at other people’s houses, often include some form of helplessness and rage.
6 - How much I’d invest in healing paraphernalia, and how I’d require proof in blood before handing out Princess Band-Aids. Unless, of course, we’re having a playdate. Band-aids flow freely to the tune of a friend’s fake injury.
5 - That sometimes, when I act like I’m talking to my kids in public, I’m really talking to the people around us. “Oh Sweetie, I’m so proud of how you dressed yourself today!” or “Now, now, you know I don’t listen to you when you whine.” or “What’s that? You want to buy alphabet soup for the dog to see if makes her speak? Of course! Aren’t you clever.”
4 - How playdates for toddlers are really interviews for parents.
3 - PRESENT FAIL and how mad it would make me. Especially when I should’ve known better than to purchase something called Cra-Z-Cook’n Marshmallow Maker in the first place. Of course my 5-year-old would injure herself using it, and then demand a band-aid for her eye. Of course the 32-year-old parent who followed the teddy bear mold instructions implicitly could only make this:
2 – The extent to which I’d go to locate where the smell of poop was coming from.
1 - How much fun it would be to pretend I don’t have kids. To wander around the zoo, a museum, or just sit in a coffee house alone. Of course, it’s only fun because I have kids to return home to. I never would’ve expected how lonely life would seem without them.
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