From time to time (like here, here and here) I’ve mentioned that reading instructions isn’t really my thing. It’s not that I’m lazy, I just prefer to ask for help. Like with potty training. I mean, why read manuals on how to do it yourself when you could just get your child to call her grandmother on the phone and say, ”Nanny teach me a-potty?”
Nanny rocks. She re-read the manual she used to train me and my brothers (“Toilet Training in Less Than a Day”), schooled us on our involvement (leave the house for 4-6 hours. Sweet!) and set up my kitchen by removing all distractions. Unfortunately when we brought TWO down in the morning, she saw the little potty and started to scream. She wouldn’t go near it. She didn’t want to hear the word, she didn’t want a snack, and she was horrified by the idea of a doll that peed. My mom looked at me, eyes wide. Apparently we never did anything of the sort. So she gave me a hug, handed me my child, and drove back to Jersey a free woman.
So I put the potty away for a month and resolved to teach TWO myself. I even read (some of) the book and took notes the night before. The main thing was that there needed to be NO DISTRACTIONS. No games, no TV, no other people. And in order for TWO to be ready she needed to:
1) be able to follow instructions – check!
2) be aware of when she was going to the bathroom – check!
3) tell the difference between wet & dry – check!
4) pull her underwear up and down by herself – check!
I should probably mention at this juncture that I’m not sure why I thought she was ready. She’d shown no indication that she understood those things, let alone that she would do them. However, since I was so busy reading (some of) the instructions, I neglected to check.
The first thing you need to do is have the child teach the baby doll how to use the potty in a way that the child actually sees the “pee-pee” coming out. Well, this baby held about three drops of water in its “stomach,” and in order to make sure it was discreted on demand, you had to plug her up. And the only thing we found that sufficiently kept the water in was a waterproof band-aid.
- Baby’s first maxi-pad.
Which, unfortunately was so interesting to TWO that she kept saying variations of, “Baby boo-boo on a-gina? Why baby baby boo-boo on a-gina? Potty give her boo-boo? Potty give me boo-boo on a-gina?”
We trained the baby in no time, gave her a treat and TWO happily carried the potty to the toilet and emptied it for the baby. This proved to be the highlight of the morning, and the end of our success.
Then it was time to use the same exercises on TWO. I filled her up with salty snacks, which prompted her to drink lots of juice, which she normally doesn’t get. We practiced getting her underwear up and down, which was when I realized that she couldn’t do it on her own. We also did lots of “wet/dry checks” where she touched her underwear to check on her status, which was when I realized that she couldn’t tell the difference. She was very frustrated. I was starting to realize that perhaps she wasn’t ready.
We needed some kind of success, so I sat her on the potty because surely she had to go. She sat there long enough to give herself a teeny-tiny hemorrhoid, but didn’t pee. As soon as she stood up (and I might have been checking email on my phone), she peed all over the floor. This was so distressing to my neat-girl that she freaked out. I stayed positive, yet firm, and we ran the “accident drills” and she cleaned up her mess and we started over.
We trained the doll again, but I couldn’t get the second band-aid off, so the doll peed out her neck. While I cleaned up the doll, I encouraged TWO to drink more juice, but she stared at the soaked doll and refused. When I finally got the band-aid off of the doll there was nothing left in her to pee, so we fed her while she sat on the potty in hopes that the water would just drip out. Nothing. When I lifted the doll off of the potty to inspect what was going on, the doll peed on the floor, and so did TWO.
Tears began afresh, followed by, “I need-a my diaper, please! Mama! I need-a my diaper!” I called my mom at work, who heard the screams and told me to abort training. She’d never heard of it going so awry.
So I went into survival mode. How to get her not to fear the potty and have a positive experience before our session ended. And thanks to Elmo, she did eventually drink juice again AND she even peed on the potty, though she missed it because she was counting with the red monster.
PS: Yeah, yeah, I get it. Reading instructions isn’t enough.
PPS: I’m pretty sure I’ve been had.
PPPS: After an afternoon at the park and a trip to the grocery store, I found the mini maxi-pad I hadn’t realize we’d lost.
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{ 38 comments }
Snorting in laughter! Frankly I think your experience is much more entertaining than my own, which actually is one of my very bad mommy moments. That said, and granted boys are very different from what I’ve been told, we decided after our single terrible attempt to “train” to wait it out until ULTRA readiness. My oldest was almost 3 1/2 before he was toilet ready. But the good news? He just did it – one day he decided he was ready and we were away to the races (or the potty as it were).
.-= Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..The cliff =-.
Oh holy hell….that picture of Baby’s First Maxi Pad – I find it very disturbing. I did a double take on Facebook when I saw it.
I’ve never potty-trained in my life. I left for a business trip when my daughter was 2, I was gone 2 days (one night) and my husband had her potty trained. In fact, as I ate dinner with clients I got a call, excused myself and then promptly started cheering “you went potty!!!!!!” in the middle of the restaurant.
.-= Futureblackmail´s last blog ..MY HUSBAND TOOK OVER THIS POST =-.
Hang on while I clean snorted coffee from my computer! OK, that’s better. My heart goes out to you. Potty training can be stressful. Apparently for everyone, especially baby-doll. I inhaled coffee on that one. I think I should quit drinking coffee while I read about your adventures in potty-land. Good luck today!
.-= Lanita @ A Mother’s Hood´s last blog ..All Trussed Up =-.
This will go down in history as one of my favorite posts. Ever.
lol I love this post…….too funny! Worst summer of my life was potty training my daughter ….wow what a flash back!
.-= Kathy´s last blog ..Black and White Wednesday- Paris =-.
Oh, I love it. See, I’m not the only toilet-training total failure out there!
Call Mom. Beg. Then send her a case of wine as a thank-you.
.-= The Mother´s last blog ..I’m Serving Dog Barbeque. Anyone Coming? =-.
Dear gosh that sounds awful. When Lael turned 2 I spent a weekend in the house. I set the timer for every hour and every hour I sat her on the potty for 15 minutes. I took her to buy her Dora panties and by the end of the weekend she was done. No accidents. But we can’t all be that lucky huh? Good luck dear. :)
.-= Keyona´s last blog ..This Is Why I’m The Mom =-.
Oh, that picture! It has burned into my brain and may never leave. This post is hilarious.
If it makes you feel any better, I potty-trained Chuckles by placing a potty seat in front of the TV, stuck in Disney princess movie after Disney princess movie, and force fed her Minute Maid lemonade (a bribe). After about 8 hours of that, she sort of got it…
.-= Gibby´s last blog ..SIX =-.
That reads like a horror story. LOL. I’ve never been so psyched to be a guy in my life. Thanks for that!
Thank GOD there’s someone else out there who is just as big of a potty failure as me! We are STILL struggling with Miss M. She insists that she just cannot feel it when she has to go. I’m not sure I believe her, but I don’t know what else to do?
I’m awfully sick of Cloroxing out the washing machine every night.
This post had me laughing, but also cringing in recognition.
Please send your mother out here to help me. I need it!
.-= TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..Hot Stuff: Camarones a la Diabla =-.
Are you freakin kidding me? That was the funniest thing ever! I almost peed my pants. Maybe I need the potty chair.
If it makes you feel any better, i NEVER read directions either.
Elmo saves the day again! :) You make me laugh CK! — with and AT you ;)
Laughing WITH you, really, I am!
.-= Jane´s last blog ..Seven Kids, Three Moms and One Restaurant Health Inspector =-.
I am not having success with train my guy. He has gone a few times but still doesn’t “get” that he needs to go there all the time…..ugh.
Like the band aid though…
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Scrappy me… =-.
I am cracking up at the doll bandaid/maxi pad!
.-= Suzicate´s last blog ..Observations While Biking And Walking =-.
So…yeah. This is pretty much how I envision potty training going with the Bug. My son was so easy. I just told him he was going to wear big boy underwear and use the potty and he did. But if experience has taught me anything with my daughter, I believe that anything that was easy with him will be difficult with her. Good thing I don’t need to think about it for another year!
.-= Misty, Southern Belle Mama´s last blog ..Top Two Tuesday…Beauty Secrets =-.
When I saw that picture of the baby with the maxi=pad, I wasn’t sure what to think. ‘Facebook allowed this? Cindy doesn’t put her kids’ faces on her blog but she is posting this?? What the hell is going on?!’
And then I gave a sigh of relief when I got here and saw the bigger picture, literally.
That maxi-pad on your jeans -aah! Been there, done that.
.-= Syma K.´s last blog ..Love =-.
I used your Ped Egg experience as a cautionary tale yesterday. So know that you’re saving other people from pain.
HAHAHAHAH! I laughed so hard at baby doll’s first maxi picture. Honestly never heard of this approach to training. Mine were both over 3 when they got trained. Good luck with your adventures!
.-= Sara´s last blog ..Ahem. *Cough* A Confession =-.
I think I’m scarred by the mental image of pee coming out of the doll’s neck! Hate it when props go awry. It’s funny when it’s your prop, though, and not mine. =>
.-= Stacia´s last blog ..It’s a Mag, Mag World =-.
This was sickeningly (is that even a word?) hysterical. I was at work and my co-teacher kept glancing at me as though I was an escaped mental patient, which I might be by the time I potty train Joshua.
Don’t worry. If you are a loser at potty training, you are in good company. I am right there with you sister. At least your parts and her parts are similar…
And the picture of the maxi pad. Seriously, I had to do a double take. That is some messed up sh**. LOL
.-= Maria´s last blog ..Bathroom Break =-.
This is hilarious! This is the best potty training post ever. Don’t worry; she’ll get it whenever she’s ready. I’ve potty trained four kids, so I know it doesn’t work to force them. When you’re in the middle of the hurdle, it feels like a monstrous task, but they all get it sooner or later.
.-= Mrs.Mayhem´s last blog ..A Politically Correct Generation Gap =-.
I KNOW I shouldn’t laugh because I have boys and I just let them run free and let them pee on the bushes…but the ‘Why baby baby boo-boo on a-gina? Potty give her boo-boo? ‘ had me rollng. Poor TWO…she WAS reasoning it out, wasn’t she?
Thank goodness for Elmo!
And GOOD luck!
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Just another night at the Gym ~Post it Tues =-.
Yeah, I tried to ease kiddo into potty training for almost a year. It was ridiculous. Finally, I stiffened my resolve and told eldest that he was not allowed to have diapers any more. He had accident after accident for three days. Then, he finally started to get it. It did not take 3 days, like the manual says. It took more like 3 weeks. But I think that the only thing that worked for us was simply eliminating diapers and cleaning up the mess for what seemed like an eternity. He still has the occasional accident — mainly looking for attention since we had the baby — and don’t get me started on overnight bed wetting. But I still feel like we’re mainly out of the woods. Now that we’ve got our own TWO, I feel better prepared for next go round with potty training. Ha. Do I have a nice false sense of security or what??
lmao.
peed out her neck? A 3M sealed urethra? Nanny giving up?
Priceless.
Just wait for warm weather and let her play outside naked for a few days.
Without bandage access.
.-= Naptimewriting´s last blog ..Bolano’s 2666 quote of the week (12) =-.
I was rolling when I read the part where the doll peed out her neck!
I have 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls. I only remember that back then (my son is 17 now) they had these tinkle targets you put in the toilet for them to pee on…and then I was pottry-training my oldest daughter (she is now 15) I can remember her just standing in the kitchen and peeing, on purpose!
So, now I have Brandon (2.5) and he pees sometimes in the toilet before bath and after bath. I think if I were more consistent he would be potty-trained already!
Good Luck!
You’re bringing back so many memories for me!
The first time I put my son on the potty chair, the stupid “pee guard” sticking out of it hurt him so he refused to get back on the potty. A year and a half later (he’s almost 4, for god’s sake) he’s finally potty trained.
I never imagined how stressful potty training could be…but it sure is exciting when you finally succeed! I think I told everyone I saw (including the mailman and a grocery store clerk)!
:)
Ummm. What I feel is equal parts horror and hilarity. A doll with a boo-boo on her a-gina? Peeing out of her neck? Oh, tragedy!
As for the errant mini maxi-pad? With my luck, it would have ended up on my ass. ‘Cause that is totally how I roll.
.-= WarsawMommy´s last blog ..Little Shoes =-.
Potty training makes me crazy. On Wednesday I just informed a workout pal that Addie was doing great. Yesterday she woke up and peed the bed and last night she ‘peepeed in her undies’ and all over my kitchen floor.
Argh.
Ps. The maxi pad is disturbingly funny.
.-= Jessica´s last blog .. =-.
That made me laugh so hard *I* almost peed. And I have to tell you, when I saw that photo on Facebook, I thought, “ck has Lost Her Mind.” Way too life-like. I bought an e-book called “Potty Train in 3 Days” before I started with Miss D. It took us about 365 days. If they’re not ready, they’re not ready, no matter how well you follow directions. I have the pee-staine carpets to prove it.
.-= Country-Fried Mama´s last blog ..Toddler discipline: strategies from a crowded consignment sale =-.
That was so traumatizing, I might need to start wearing a diaper again.
.-= Unknown Mami´s last blog ..Let the Festivities Begin!!!! =-.
OMG! I choked on my own saliva when I read that the doll peed through her neck and was afraid I had woken up the kids with all the coughing and laughing. I can barely see what I’m typing coz tears are rolling down my face. That is the ultimate potty story ever!
.-= cynthia´s last blog ..looking forward =-.
Uh huh. See, potty training posts can be the very best ones. (Thanks for swinging by my mommyblogging post, by the way) This was hilarious, unfortunately for you. Ugh. I’m seriously of the opinion that potty training is one of the hardest parts of the early years. My friend Keyona up there is one of the lucky few. I felt like I was literally jumping through hoops with my first boy, and now I’m on to my second boy and I have no idea what I’m doing. Again.
Great post, lady.
.-= Heather of the EO´s last blog ..Mommybloggers are the Mary Kay ladies of the Internet =-.
Funny Post, Where did you get a baby doll that is *supposed* to pee in the potty?
I don’t mean to laugh at you, but I can’t stop laughing out loud! That is one of the most hilarious potty training sagas ever! The vision of that doll is enough to traumatize anyone. Abort the mission now. All signs point to not quite ready yet. She’ll get it soon. Don’t worry. When I was fed up with my twins potty training, my brother in law looked at me and said “have you ever seen a child go off to college still in a diaper?” Got to love male rationale. I guess that’s why we keep them around right?
.-= ~Laura´s last blog ..Dress Up =-.
I’m so glad that was a picture of a doll. I had to look at it like six times to make sure. Yay for potty training! We had the hardest time with Graham, he resisted everything we had and finally did it on his own terms right after her turned 3. Elliot just turned 2 yesterday and has been pretty much potty trained (on her own, we were the ones resisting) for a few months. Kids are so weird.
.-= Casey´s last blog ..Club Half As Small As You: The Final Chapter =-.
oh. my. goodness! i am laughing so hard right now!
as for my oldest, who’s 3.5, she takes one step forward and two steps back. there are days where she is such a pro and days where i’m all “um, are you serious?” it kinda, sorta drives me bonkers. and night training…? let’s just hope that she’s not wetting the bed at 13.
.-= mrs. b.´s last blog ..the best place on earth. =-.
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