During an otherwise lovely playdate last week, ONE was informed that Santa Claus does not exist. She yelled, put her hands on her hips and marched into the room where I was chatting with the other mom.
ONE: Mama! NEW FRIEND just told me that Santa isn’t real. Is it true? And what about the Tooth Fairy? Does that mean she’s not real, either?
NEW FRIEND looked surprised. ONE looked like she was going to cry. I stood there, aghast. Fumbling between telling her the truth and, well, lying.
NEW MOM FRIEND: (To ONE) Of course he’s real, Sweetie. (To her daughter) Come here, RIGHT NOW.
NEW FRIEND: But Mo-om! She’s older than me. She should know the truth.
ONE: (to NEW FRIEND) SEE? Even your mom said he’s real. So YOU’RE WRONG.
After a stern talking-to, the NEW FRIEND backed down and let ONE go on rubbing in the fact that she was right. But the damage was done.
ONE is a thinker. Even if she didn’t say anything for a month, she’d be thinking about it for most of that time. Looking for hints and clues. Asking different people. Trying to trap them. I know this because truth-seeking is something she and I have in common. (That and acting all superior when we find the truth…or think we do.)
The summer before I turned six I was informed by a younger neighbor that Santa was fake. I marched right into the house and without warning confronted my mom, “Are you going to tell me the truth, or are you going to keep lying to me?” She told me the truth.
And the truth made me sad, even though I’d already begun questioning Santa. But ONE hasn’t started deconstructing Santa yet. In fact, last year was the first year she even got into him at all. We don’t make a big deal out of him, by any stretch. We let her go on and on, and leave it at that. And “Santa” only brings she and her sister one small gift.
I feel stuck because it’s very important to me to be honest with ONE. Sure there are things I don’t tell her everything about. But I tell her the truth. What is true and right is important to her. And she collects facts on anything she can find and stores them away in her head, ready to pounce the second she stumbles upon a discrepancy. And she’ll figure this out on her own, regardless of what I say.
But on the other hand, she’s only 5. She WANTS to believe in Santa. And I know that after the satisfaction of being let in on the secret wears off, she’ll be disappointed. And then she’ll carry around the weight of the truth. Which she’ll have the power of sharing, just like her NEW FRIEND. And she’ll probably do a decent job keeping it to herself, until she finds the need to trump someone in an argument. And then she’ll let it slip. Accidentally on purpose.
So I ask you – moms and dads and once-believers-in-Santa – any thoughts or advice you’re willing to share? I know this topic can get as hot as pacifier use, but no offense will be taken. No judgments made. I promise.
Please?
©2010 CEK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
WANT SOME DAILY AFFIRMATION THAT YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY BAD MOMMY OUT THERE? FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, OR COME VENT ON FACEBOOK. WE’LL BAD-MOMMY IT TOGETHER.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }
Speaking only as a believer of Santa, my opinion would be to hold on to Santa with One and Two for as long as you can. I still believe in Santa, but not in him as a person but how he represents much of the magical part of Christmas for little ones who haven’t reached the stage of truly grasping the religious significance of the day.
In my experience there are three stages to Santa. 1. Youthful awe of this magical, enigmatic person. He’s like grandpa, but more mystical and he still bring you lots of toys. It’s like the training stages for really grasping the true mysteries of Christmas. 2. The transition phase where you know Santa doesn’t exist as a real person, but you still get lots of presents so you like the day. There’s not as much mystery to the whole seasons b/c you haven’t transitioned from Santa to the birth of Christ, yet. 3. The phase I’m in, where I wished I still believed Santa was real, but can only get the happiness of maintaining that illusion for any kids that are still in phase 1. I have the grown-up perspective, which is never more fun than the perspective of a child, so I try to be a part of that childlike perspective, however I can.
I don’t know much about being a parent, but I know I loved watching the look on my niece’s and nephew’s face when Santa (my sister’s friend) called the last Christmas I spent with them. That’s the good stuff.
I feel your pain. I was that other mother who’s child ruined it for the neighbor. I don’t know if she ever forgave me ( or Allie). I raised my kids with the (pretend) Santa and Toothfairy. We did all the stuff, pics on the lap… you know. We just put it in the same place as Cinderella and they rest of em.
Yvonne Moss´s last blog ..On a Nice Breezy Day
Since you mentioned the “D” word (“Deconstruction”) I can say that “truth” in this case is completely relative. Children need to believe, and then they need to stop believing on their own timetable, when they are good and ready. (I’m a mom of two kids, ages 11 and 8, the younger of which just stopped believing.)
I firmly believe it’s our cosmic duty, as parents, to support that “truth,” as it evolves. Their belief (yes, even in Santa) is sacred, and you can use all sorts of fancy language to be honest with them without ever lying.
ONE sounds as though she is fully in the spell, and NEEDS you to tell her the “truth” that her belief is the right one.
When she’s really ready NOT to believe (typically happens in 2nd grade, sometimes earlier, sometimes later) she’ll need you to nurse her through that. But when she’s ready to believe the next true thing, it’s a WHOLE lot less painful and conflicted, and will fit her larger worldview.
No need to rush from one truth to the next. That makes about as much sense as pushing kids to read (or even get potty trained) before they’ve finished with all the other vital stuff that comes before that.
The way I would test what truth to support at what time? I would say back to her, when she asked, “well, what do you think?” (in a tone that suggests, “this question is totally obvious.”) And then tell her she’s right. When she really WANTS not to believe anymore, her question will change so sutbly — but you will know what she needs.
(Geez, I have some strong opinions on this one, don’t I.)
Launa´s last blog ..Stranger in a Familiar Land
Lael still believes and I don’t know how that’s even possible. She did however, find some of het baby teeth by snooping around. I was able to deflect but not sure how long it will last. If she brings it up again tell her the truth and tell her why Santa is magical for little kids. Good luck honey!
I say follow ONE’s lead. If she comes to you to talk about it again, pay attention to the questions she’s asking and how she’s asking them. If she’s looking for reassurance that Santa is real, go with it. If she’s looking for clues that he isn’t real, be honest. Explain why you “lied” (I only use quotes because lying in this case doesn’t cause harm). And explain that you want to keep the story alive for TWO.
But if she doesn’t want to talk about it again, just let her believe. Let her hold onto that piece of childhood for a little while longer.
I think this is the age when kids start to figure it out anyway, even without a friend to break the news.
That’s my two cents anyway.
You probably don’t want my opinion on this one, but here goes:
Lying to your children about imaginary beings is still a lie. Kids don’t understand metaphor. When the lie is discovered, it’s their PARENTS who have been lying to them. As you have just learned, this is a tad ego-dystonic.
Fess up. Try really hard to explain the metaphor. Try really hard to explain why you’ve been fibbing. Get it all over with now, while they’re small, and then stop perpetuating this ridiculous cultural foolishness.
On a lighter note: If you haven’t read Terry Pratchett’s “Hogfather,” this is the time. Right now.
The Mother´s last blog ..Maybe You Can’t Trust a Midwife After All
This past year, some little ninny spoiled Santa for Miss D. Oddly, she wasn’t really that upset, which makes me think that she’s had her suspicions for a bit. What we did this year–and it worked really well–was focus together (mom and Miss D.) on making the Santa-filled holiday special for Miss M., because she still believes. D. loved being “in” on the joke and the preparations, and her sister’s excitement was a beautiful reward.
TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..Seared Salmon with Jalapeno Ponzu
Having grown kids, and they have all told me now, that when they would question me about Santa around christmas time, I would always just say, “well, I would believe in Santa, cuz I would be scared he wouldn’t bring me anything”. They don’t hate me for “lying to them”, its all in the spirit. And honestly, when they would ask, I didn’t say “yes or no”. So technically I wasn’t lying.
Donna´s last blog ..High School Daze
My daughter has just started talking about the tooth fairy and how someone brings her “bucks” when she loses her tooth. She loves talking about the tooth fairy and I love the way her eyes gleam and her anticipation of losing her first tooth. I don’t want to share the true reality of the tooth fairy – I believe that a child’s imagination and life is magical and they have plenty of time for the reality of an adult’s mind.
Rudri Patel´s last blog ..Speckles of Sand
So sad. My daughter ruined it for my son. But even now we still play along every christmas. I keep up the magical routine of santa being real. My kids just play along for my benefit.
I think my son was in 6th grade before he questioned me on Santa or the Tooth Fairy.
When ONE does find out that Santa is a stand in for the spirit of giving and not an actual person, it would also be a good time to explain to her why she shouldn’t spoil it for littler kids who still believe.
Of course kids are going to be kids and it is not guarantee that she won’t slip up like New Friend.
As for the lying bit….I was made to believe in Santa when I was a kid and I LOVED it. I also started having doubts about the fat guy years before I was told (or figured it out, can’t really remember) and I held no grudge whatsoever. There are so many other crappy things that kids can experience during childhood…at least this little deception is FUN and done properly should be part of instilling the spirit of giving, of fantasy, of carrying on and passing along traditions.
Like you, we never made a big deal about Santa. We didn’t send him letters, or get photos taken with him at the mall, or threaten the kids with no presents if they misbehaved.
One of my parenting mistakes was telling my 7 year old son the truth about Santa. He had been questioning for weeks prior to Christmas. But when I admitted the truth, he was devastated. He told me, “you’ve ruined Christmas forever!” He was mad for weeks. Even though he was questioning, apparently he didn’t really want to know the truth. He has also protected his younger siblings from the truth, telling them that Santa is real.
So, with the younger three kids, whenever they question about Santa, I avoid answering the question with a straight yes or no. I just mumble something about “the magic of Christmas.” So far that has been good enough.
I don’t see it as a lie, as long as you are clear (at some point) that Santa is about more than the guy in the red suit. I also think kids understand metaphor just fine, but I suppose everyone has different kids. It’s not like she’s going to be in therapy for believing in him.
St. A began to ask questions at 5, and I explained to her that “Santa” is more than a person, and that he represents a lot more than presents under a tree. The explanation that Ma gives in the Laura Ingalls books also comes to mind: “you know that Santa can’t be one person, right? That anytime someone is kind to someone else, it’s Christmas?”- my paraphrase, but you get the idea.
Good luck….
Evenshine´s last blog ..I grieve
As a newer parents, I love everything about Santa. In our house the kids only get 1 small gift too, but I just love the anticipation and excitement he carries along. I would be so disappointed if Peanut learned that he was pretend in the next year it two.
my 9YO still believes! I know, I know. She has asked questions and has become suspicious, but she is the sort who wants to believe, so I let her. When she does ask me, I just tell her that “I believe,” but I don’t actually say “yes, there is a Santa” and I focus on the magic of Christmas rather than the logistics. It’ll be interesting to see what she believes this Christmas. Frankly, at this point I wish there WAS a Santa, it sure would make my life a whole lot easier!
Gibby´s last blog ..Staycation
I would just tell them that different families believe different things. At least until she’s old enough to not do the same to another child.
That really stinks…
LSZ´s last blog ..Staycation
I’m THAT mom that doesn’t do the whole Santa is real thing, but my son also knows 1) about the spirit and 2) that many families believe in different things and that doesn’t mean he has the right to tell anyone any differently. He goes to a christian school so it hasn’t become an issue but I still make sure my son knows he is NOT to say this to anyone else. Or else he will get nada for Christmas! I just want my son to know the biblical reason for it and not all the hoopla. The fat guy comes down our non existant chimney and gives you free stuff. I get heat all the time about it.
Our motto is “You have to believe to receive.” If you don’t believe in Santa, he stops coming. Under our Christmas tree, all gifts are from Mom and Dad except for one special gift from Santa. It is usually something mom and dad would “never” buy. When the kids stop believing, these gifts will be from us instead.
We try to keep Christmas from being all about Santa. It’s also about sharing our blessings with others and being thankful for what we have. By keeping the emphasis off Santa and the spoils he brings, we are (hopefully) making it easier for the transition away from belief when it comes. For now, both my 9 and 3 year olds are staunch believers.
I would take your cue from your daughter. If she still wants to believe in Santa then she will I think, based on all you say about her, rationalize to herself what her friend said and not ask you any more about it. If she has started to have doubts then she will keep thinking about it and so if she then asks you more than once about it then maybe it is the time to tell her the truth. Children tend to figure it out for themselves when they are good and ready and want to. When she does, you can still make it very special by getting her to help you sell the whole Santa story to your youngest.
I’m not sure this relates the way I intend for it to relate, but reading this entry and the comments, I was reminded of a friend of mine that I saw last month in my hometown. She has two boys, ages 7 and 9, that attend a Waldorf school. As you might well know, imaginative play, symbolism, and rituals are pretty big in Waldorf schools. I was surprised when she — our school valedictorian, daughter of the gifted program teacher, sister to a child prodigy, master of every single instrument that can be played in an orchestra, etc., brainy, etc. — said that she just hates when parents feel that they need to always answer young children’s questions with data and fact. She says that the Waldorf school has taught her that kids revel in magic, and it is such a brief time in life that they can really DO that in authentic awe and pleasure. I asked her what she meant, and she said, “Oh, you know, like, if a child says, ‘Mom, why does the sun go away at night?’ And then the mom goes on explaining how the earth rotates and travels around the sun and illuminates the moon, blah, blah, blah. It’s so much more fun for the kid to hear that the sun goes away at night because it’s tired or because the moon is the mom that comes to put a blanket over the sky.” I am the mom who answers all those questions with truth and fact, but I have stopped doing that as much since I had the conversation with her. As she said, kids have time to learn all the truth and fact when they’re at the stage in life where truth and fact are what they hunger and need to function. At ONE’s young age, a year younger than my daughter, I’m betting she prefers fantasy to truth. The challenge is crafting a thoughtful reply to her query. My sister-in-law always answered that question with, “Not everyone believes in Santa, but I do.” That always seemed sufficient, particularly because kids don’t WANT to hear that Santa isn’t real; at that age, I think they’re AFRAID that’s the case more than anything. So, I say give her the magic and save the facts for later, when she really wants to hear them.
Jenny´s last blog ..Worship
I was 6 when I found out by accidental waking that my daddy was Santa Claus. It didn’t upset me at all. It seemd “right” that my beloved daddy was Santa. I never told my younger brother and sister, letting them find out in their own way at the right time.
I, personally, am of the lying camp. But I don’t call it LYING. It’s more like supporting the innocence and mystery of youth.
In fact, although, mind is currently 15 (and am sure doesn’t really “believe”) I inform him every year that if he doesn’t “believe” Santa won’t come. Yes, I’m weird, I know. My family tells me all the time.
But you need to do whatever you feel in your heart is the right thing for One.
Gigi´s last blog ..Its Been over A Year Really
I was in the 4th grade (yes, that old), when a half-Jewish friend spilled the beans. I had already been suspicious for a number of years (more on that later), but this sealed the deal. Asked my mom when I got home from school that day, and she (rather sheepishly) confessed that there was no Santa, Easter Bunny, or Tooth Fairy.
And I was that little gem of a child that said, “So it was you all along? Thanks!!”
My younger brother, on the other hand – we still don’t know when he stopped believing. He sort of “grew out of it” without any discussion or comment. (He’s 23 now.)
During those few suspicious years before I learned the truth, I used to ask for things that my parents would “never” give me – like a phone for my room. I think they told me “no way” so that Santa had a way to come through. Might want to try that tactic – if she says she wants something for Christmas, tell her, “No way – but feel free to ask Santa.”
I have to say, I’m reading, relishing and learning everything I can here because I didn’t grow up in this country and I have no idea what to do with my daughter. I like Kelly’s response where she says that they try not to make the occasion all about Santa. That he is only the bringer of one special toy, so perhaps even when they find out he’s not real, they won’t be that disappointed?
Anyway, I’m glad you brought this up because my little one will be two at Christmas this year – still a little clueless, but I’m sure she will get excited about Santa. I just need to know how much excitement to introduce this time around…
Sorry, nothing from me to help you with your dilemma. :(
Justine´s last blog ..Will you take my hand
I too have a 5 year old thinker. He has been asking questions about Santa since this past Christmas. We believe in the truth around here too. So, we’ve talked a lot about the spirit of giving. We’ve talked about all of the things that Christmas stands for. We talk about what Santa means to him and what he wants to believe. For now he has stopped asking questions. I think he knows deep down that there is no Santa. Fortunately the 5 year old inside him won’t let him give it up just yet. I recognize that my days are numbered with his relationship in Santa. I hope to at least instill in him that he is only young once. We read The Polar Express a lot to remind him that the believing part is truly up to him. I wish you all the best with One. I know you’ll handle it in the best way for her.
Heather´s last blog ..Intellectual Beauty
No children but I do believe in the end that life without illusion is the best path.
Laoch´s last blog ..A Good Reason Not To Fly On Southwest Airlines Anymore
Thank you all so much for your time and thoughts on the Santa Situation. You’ve given me a lot to ponder, different perspectives to consider, and I really, really appreciate it.
My 7 year old still believes but I think the Tooth Fairy is on the edge thanks to the movie The Grown Ups…be forewarned…the kid in that movie takes the Tooth Fairy to task.
Futureblackmail´s last blog ..EATING OCTOPUS
It’ll have to be the truth. My two are truthseekers too and they ferret out information better’n Fox News on bird sh**. I think it’ll be okay, though. Santa visited for years at our house with no harm done to my psyche or the other seven children. Even when mom told us it was satan’s claws, we still loved santa. Just don’t mention the word play to your kids and you are golden. ;)
Sara´s last blog ..Cornacopia
So I’m curious about this concept of never lying to your child. Do those of you who go this route only read non-fiction books to your kids? Isn’t every story book, every movie, a “lie”? And how do you feel about poetry along the lines of that written by Shel Silverstein and Dr Suess? They not only blur the lines between truth and fiction but use all those made up words. Do you carry this into your interactions with adults as well, telling your wife or friend that not only do those pants make them look fat but they actually are a little fat?
I can only speak for my own kids (6 and almost 3), but they have HUGE imaginations. Isn’t pretend play really just “lying”? Should I tell them to stop pretending to be fire fighters and lions? I believe children are much better than most adults at understanding that “truth” isn’t always the same thing as “facts”.
I’m a scientist by training, but instead of that making me see the world in a clinical this-is-truth-this-is-a-lie way, science continues to fill me with wonder and amazement. The poetry lover in me is delighted with the image of the sun bedding down for the night. But I don’t think that’s any more magical than the idea that the solid ground beneath us is spinning and hurtling through space at an unfathomable speed. How did we get to this place where the world is filled with fairies OR it’s filled with facts? It’s always been filled with both for me.
Pretty sure my 6 yr old has been suspicious of the Santa/Tooth Fairy thing since he was 4. He’s a thinker too. When he asks, I always ask him what he believes. If he asks me what I believe, I tell him I believe. Because I do.
No, of course we don’t read only non-fiction. But there’s a crucial difference here that you seem to be missing–we label fiction as fiction.
Parents tie the Santa Myth into behavior (you have to be good) and belief (you have to believe to receive). This is a pretense at truth, claiming Santa is non-fiction, and not to be questioned.
Not only is this ego-dystonic to the kid who suddenly finds out that their parents have been lying to them all along, but it teaches sloppy thinking that will follow them all the days of their lives. Kids aren’t born believing in mythical beings–we do it to them. And, generally, the parents get more kicks out of it than the confused kid. If these aren’t really good reasons not to perpetuate this idiocy, I don’t know what would be.
The Mother´s last blog ..Another Really Good Reason Not to Clean
Is it couthe to use someone else’s blog comment area to have a conversation witha fellow commenter? I hope so (and if, not, I’m sorry), because, Lainey, I absolutely love what you are saying here. Fact and fairies can live in harmony!
Jenny´s last blog ..Get Down with Your Bad-Ass Mommy Blogger Self
Okay – first let me say that is so incredibly sad that some kid would spill the beans on this. There are some things that are sacred to the innocence and beauty of childhood and Santa reigns number 1 in my book. I think you should let the dream live. “You gotta believe to receive…” was a friends motto.
Cathy´s last blog ..Backpacking with the Boy Scouts
Gabe just figured out the Tooth Fairy so I’m guessing it won’t be long before he figures it ALL out…I believed until I was 10 so I’m hoping all of my kids last a while…it’s so much more fun to believe.
Tiffany´s last blog ..Magical
Yes, this subject gets me all heated up. Go ahead and tell your kids that Santa is real. When they realize it’s a lie, it does 2 important things: it prepares for the fact that life is going to disappoint them, and that people will lie to them.
If that sounds bitter, well, that’s because it is. I was born credulous, and that was exploited. I figured it out for myself when I was 10. Let me repeat that: 10 years old. I’m not stupid, but I wanted to believe and it’s such a pretty story…. Guess what. Christmas is still special without the lies. The truth of Christmas is not in Santa and gifts. I’ve heard that this metaphor helps a child learn the concept of “faith”. I call bull-sh!t on that.
I’ve gotten flack for what I’m doing with my son, and I’ve had to inform his grandparents, teachers and other people to follow my lead: Santa does NOT exist. I’m teaching him what Santa is used for, but I’m telling him it’s not real. I then tell him of the REAL Santa, which the myth was built around.
There’s so much more to childhood than lying to the children. It’s okay if she wants to believe and she does believe, and it’s okay if she doesn’t. But remember that children find the magical in all things, including the real.
WackyMummy´s last blog ..Secrets Of My Devastating Beauty Revealed!!!
My daughter loves to believe. Not just in Santa and the Tooth Fairy, but in fairies in general. She tries to catch them. She’s 8.
She is the most intensely imaginative kid I know. It’s hard sometimes but also wonderful. When her imagination runs wild she comes up with great stories.
Then come times that she needs to be more grounded in reality, and it’s tough. She does not like to let go of her fantasies. We do tell her sometimes that she needs to quit playing when one of her fantasies keeps going at inappropriate times, but that’s not a path to a good mood for her.
Stephanie – Home with the Kids´s last blog ..What Are the Financial Disadvantages of Self Employment
I guess for me what’s interesting about this debate is the idea that children ‘have’ to believe. Children ‘have’ to believe in the ‘magic’ of Santa because that’s what they are told! It’s not something that originates within their own minds or imaginations; it’s culturally-sanctioned and communicated by parents as well as the world at large.
I’m not sure why it is that figures such as Santa and the Tooth Fairy are regarded as the last bastion of childhood imagination, or romanticism, etc – our approach is to explain that some families and cultures believe in Santa, but that ultimately the person who places gifts under the tree or in your stomach is a parent, or relative. I don’t feel that doing this diminishes our child’s ability to dream or to be creative. I feel that it’s respectful of her in the sense that it’s not setting her up for an eventual disappointment/hurt/sense of betrayal (and it’s interesting reading everyone else’s recollections of their own revelations in childhood) which – I feel I need to point out – is totally unnecessary. No-one forces you to collude in myth-making of any kind, but if it’s something you do, there is always going to be fallout.
While I’m still not sure I’ve figured out my position on lying (is there ever one objective truth?), for me the issue is more one of – why do it? Perpetuating the story of Santa seems like social pressure, cultural expectation, and largely based in herd mentality. My daughter’s grandparents objected loudly to our approach of talking about the myth of santa (i.e. this is what some people tell their children, but it’s not something we chose to include you in as he doesn’t actually provide you with gifts at Christmastime) on the basis that it would be problematic for other people’s children, which my partner and I found kind of insane.
It’s difficult to distinguish between myth-making/storytelling and lying, at times, and ultimately I’d like to think that my daughter would be empathetic enough not to scream to a believer, ‘he’s not REAL!!!!’, when confronted by one. Ultimately, I think that whether or not you chose to collude in it, and then involve your child unwillingly, it’s sensible to ask why you are doing what you are doing, and what possible benefit it might have for your child, before you go ahead and do it. Hope my post hasn’t caused any offense – am short on time and aware that I may sound a little brusque here! This has been an incredibly thought-provoking discussion, I appreciate it.
For something dashed off when you were short on time, your response is well reasoned, very clear, and insightful.
Kids’ imaginations aren’t doused by not buying the exploitive myths. If anything, they are opened up to new possibilities–perhaps creating a few myths of their own. My sons didn’t have santa, our tooth fairy drank (and generally forgot), but we had fabulous imaginary friends and wonderful fiction coming out of their heads regularly.
Teaching kids not be be suckered is not about squashing imagination. It’s about empowerment. I don’t think magical beings can hold a candle to that.
The Mother´s last blog ..Johnny and the Little Green Men
What?!!! Santa, isn’t realy??!!!
Sorry, I don’t have any useful thing to add. I’m going to bookmark this post (maybe, even copy & paste it into a Word doc) so that I know what to say to my boys when the time comes. My 4-year-old still (in the middle of summer) references Christmas and Santa as a timeline. “When Christmas comes, I’m going to be taller.”
cynthia´s last blog ..bath time q & a
This has been a great discussion, and I’ve really enjoyed reading everyone’s insights.
Am I the only adult who didn’t feel ‘betrayed’ by learning that Santa was really my parents? I was delighted with trying to figure out how my parents did it all. Plus it made me feel like a grown up to be in on the secret. When I was in jr high, we were celebrating an early xmas so we could travel to see distant family on the actual holiday. We went out to dinner and then planned on coming home to open presents. Somehow, my parents got all the presents out under the tree while we were out to dinner. To this day (my brother and I currently straddle 40), my parents insist it was Santa and not the neighbors.
We don’t tie Santa to good behavior (I don’t really remember my parents doing this either), and we don’t tell anyone they “have” to believe – in anything. Each child also gets 1 present from Santa, and only 1 present from us; so while we “do” Santa, he’s not really a huge deal around here. I agree that it’s important to ask yourself why you’re deciding to involve yourself and your child in a cultural myth. I also think it’s important to ask yourself why you’re deciding not to, especially when it has the potential to create all kinds of conflict. While one child may certainly grow up feeling betrayed by you “lying” to them about Santa, the next child may grow up feeling betrayed by your refusal to “just be normal”. The few kids at my school whose parents didn’t let them wear Halloween costumes were mocked mercilessly.
It may be herd mentality. I am one of those mothers who do all sorts of things differently from the majority of families that I’m around, and I try to be very aware of the ways this affects my boys. I’m quite content being weird, but that doesn’t mean my children will be.
Curious to know what your opinions are on teaching religion to children. No matter what religion a child is raised in, there will be many, many people in the world who consider that religion just another cultural myth (as I suppose some might see atheism as just a different cultural myth as well).
Hmmmm, much to think about…
I learned the truth in fifth grade and cried for a week. We were so poor growing up, that the only escape from not having enough for toys was the visit from Santa every year.
I will let my kids believe it until they don’t. But I will always instill the magic of Santa: that we can bestow gifts (material and spiritual) on each other, every day, without limitations.
Maria´s last blog ..And so- it begins
I did Santa. My daughter started asking if he was real last year – my response has always been “What do you think?”, this year she said no, he wasn’t real, and cried a little, and asked lots of questions. And ultimately said, “Well I’m just going to believe privately anyway”. As a parent I can want little more than to have allowed my daughter to beleive in magic, discover things really are too good to be true, and ultimatly decide that sometimes having faith in the face of the contrary is ok.
When my best friend and I had our first children, 3 weeks apart, we debated Santa for the first two years- heated debates that could have ruined a friendship. She was in the “it’s lying” camp and I am stanchly in the the “childhood wonder” camp. We finally agreed to disagree and she promised to not let her daughter spoil it for us (which she never did, even though I was on pins and needles every Christmas season!) She even submitted to doing the obligitory Santa pictures. She gave me a lot of food for thought in our conversations- she is a smart and thoughtful mom- but I still strongly believed in the magic of the Santa story. The fun of it.
Now my son is 8. He figured it out this year after questioning for the last two and the final straw was Easter. How did we know EXACTLY where the eggs were hidden, how many and which (unlabeled) basket belonged to each of them, if we could not take a picture of the Easter Bunny when he came by and told us all those detail? Not wanting to full on lie, and allowing him to lead me with his Monk style investigation, I asked him if he REALLY wanted to know and if he was ready and he said “YES!” so I spilled. He took it well and had millions of questions and now is “in on it.”
No heartbreak, no wondering why he was lied to, and now he will be part of the backstage crew in the holiday planning.