Descending the stairs used to lead to good things. A living room lit by the Christmas tree, a prom date, the first few seconds of summer vacation…
Now, not so much.
Because it doesn’t matter how much fun I hear my kids having with my husband while I’m in bed, the moment I descend the stairs they lose it. And forget it if I’ve just returned from an activity that left me smiling and relaxed. Happiness is gone before I put away my purse.
It baffles me because there’s no pause or warning. They abandon whatever activity they were enjoying to moan and complain and ram into my legs because apparently my presence reminded them that their lives were about to end.
I shared my discontent over this series of most unfortunate events with my mom, who remained unusually quiet. When I finally paused so she could shower me with sympathy, she raised an eyebrow.
EYEBROW: Would you mind if I took my jacket off and had something to eat? I’ve only been here for five minutes, it was a very long drive and my blood sugar dropped in Delaware. I’d like to sit down, maybe see the girls. How about a hug?
ME: Don’t judge me, eyebrow.
As I sulked to the car to grab her things I felt just like the little kid who used to sit on the stairs and wait for her to return from wherever she’d been. I remembered the emotional release as soon as she walked through the door and how quickly her smile was replaced by, “Just let me go to the bathroom and then I’ll help you.” It always took her a long time to pee.
I guess she was working up the will to come back out.
Which I never understood because even as an adult I was so anxious for her to walk through the door that I never thought about how she felt to enter the house. All I thought about was how the pressure to be a mom would lift when she arrived and I’d be safe. Safe to zone out. Safe to stop paying attention. Safe to not feel guilty as my brain wandered away to the happy place where it was all about me again.
And as I stood there, I realized that it would be a long (looooooooong) life of relieving my kids from selfish angst at the bottom of the stairs, so I’d probably better sneak out of the house for some “alone time” before they noticed me standing there…
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{ 36 comments }
Very insightful and very true.
My 6YO is just getting to the point where she realizes how much fun other people are in comparison to her Mom and now I get home from work and it’s a good 2 hours before I see her. She’s off doing her own thing with her friends and I’m left wondering when I get to be Mom again.
Gotta love Mimi’s, or grandma’s, or whatever your kids call your mom. I instantly turn into the selfish, bratty, lazy child I once was the moment she walks through my door. Only thing that makes it remotely okay is that the kids prefer her to me anyway, so they don’t seem to notice that the 17 year old I normally keep tucked away in my brain comes out to play while Mimi is around. Not sure why she even bothers to see me. Oh, that’s right, she doesn’t. She comes to see them. And, she somehow can’t get enough of their leg-ramming-one-upping-look-at-me shenanigans (or mine apparently). And, I’m so very grateful for that:)!
I say stop being sad and get that alone time in. It will be short lived ya know?
EYEBROW is a smart and sassy lady. I see where you get your sense of humor.
I agree that Re-Entry is impossible. Everyone wants a piece of you–NOW. Deep breaths, baby. Deep breaths.
Ha, I love that she put you in your place with the raising of an eyebrow. Re-Entry isn’t so bad for me yet but leaving is becoming more and more terrible. Just leaving the room for a second, one effing second.
Almost every day you alert me to a future problem that is going to overwhelm me with the triplets. Maybe I’ll be able to remember your sense of humor when my time comes but I’m betting not. I’ll think I’m the first ever to experience all of it. Such is motherhood, no?
Hey, don’t look at me I’m with your mom on this one as I have been there.
I hope that one day my eyebrow will communicate as clearly as your mom’s. I’m honing this skill.
Moms are the best! And it’s a beautiful thing to be the “kid” again. Enjoy your mom :)
I know this sounds bad, but there are days where I wish he didn’t cling to my leg, that prevents me from walking, that causes him to fall down, then leads to me consoling him all the while he has crocodile tears flowing. Some days, I love it, but most, it’s just annoying.
It’s good that you have your mom to make you feel safe, it will feel good when you are able to do it for your kids one day too.
I totally feel able to zone out when my mom arrives or I arrive to her. It is a good feeling that I cherish and unbelievable amount. We’re heading to her in October for 9 days. Is 9 days too long to zone out?
Wait, is your mom in town?
(just kidding, Joyce… just trying to be funny husband)
Sweet lightbulb over the head! Thanks, eyebrow. And thanks, eyebrow’s daughter. You have the uncanny ability to say so very much without having to say so very much.
That’s why I leave them with my parents. They don’t even miss me. When I return, I get a glance and hi. It makes me feel a little unloved.
Thank Gawd for moms!
Oh what great timing of this post… my husband is home with my almost 2 year old son this week. My son is an angel all day and the second I walk in the door from work is a whining machine that MUST be held by mommy the entire time. My husband can’t get over the difference from when the two of them hang out the rest of the day! Glad I’m not alone! As always -great writing and wit with impeccable timing.
Word. It’s like they have a Momdar that beeps whenever we enter their stratosphere. Then it triggers some kind of mass MOM MOM MOM MOM response that would be, quite frankly, overwhelming for Captains of Industry types. But we moms, we just have to deal.
You WILL NOT get me to empathize with my mother. Not today, lady.
But I, too, remember the mandate that we leave her alone for five whole minutes when she came home. Torture. My husband does the same. Painful. Why does everyone want to adjust before we start talking nonstop? Hmmm? Why?
Yes eyebrows communicate a lot, sometimes kids change their mood just by the way the eyebrows of their parents move.
This post was an a-ha moment for me.
I’m sitting here in a puddle of tears. So very familiar…
(see you soon :) )
I will have to remember this the next time I go to my Mom’s or she comes over here. It’s so funny how we forget that they are Moms too!!
It is awesome that you caught a glimpse of your mother’s perspective. I did the same thing recently with my own mother, and it was a little mortifying to see how selfish I have been.
It’s a sad fact, but true: Mommies were made to solve the world’s problems. Or, maybe just our kid’s problems but…to them that’s the world! So, yeah! World problem solvers! ;)
AW!!! It is a huge responsibility to have to answer to the little ones to make their world right. I’d not realized I’d be doing it even when they are grown and gone. My mom is unable to provide that support. I’m glad you have yours and she can.
It never ends. My kids are older teens and even now they still cant get it that I need my alone time too.
What is it with kids? Are you not allowed to be happy? Ever?
I’m not sure which is worse – my daughter plays the opposite trick so on the rare occasion when I actually go out without her and leave her with Daddy for more than an hour when I come back I get the cold shoulder and she is alternately ignoring me or totally disgruntled with me.
I love this one too and I see i am late for the train. I am also the mom who hides in the bathroom. By the way “Husband” you are funny !
I’m amazed you even put away your purse. I usually stuff mine by the fruit tray, where it starts to smell like overripe bananas before I finally get around to remembering it’s there.
I adore this.
(Sorry, it’s too early for me to say anything else coherent.)
Wow, I loved this. Such an eye-opener about the expectations I had (and still have) of my mother vs. the expectations that I didn’t even realize my own children have of me. Thanks, ck. This gives me a lot to think about. And a desire to change.
Oh man. Isn’t it shocking to see that your children and you are leading parallel lives, 30 years apart?
Something that eldest has been doing lately is he gets right into my face to talk to me. It doesn’t matter if he has my full attention or if he’s trying to interrupt something. He just wants to be an inch away from my face. This freaks me out, and I have to push him away or start screaming. I wonder if he’s learned this from me somehow or if he really does feel like I’m just not listening. Ever.
I live that you know just what your mom means whluth a simple eyebrow.
Damn, hit publish before I meant to. What I was trying to say is that I love that you know just what your mom is saying with a single eyebrow. I’m working on “the look” with my son. I hope to have it perfected very soon
Wow, this was beautifully written! Those eyebrows can talk the talk, can’t they?
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