Dear Popsicle® Company:
Thanks for another great summer. Really. Your sugar on a stick has pulsed through the veins of my children for the last three months and has taken up permanent residence in my house.
But as part of our family, there are certain rules you have to follow:
1) This “slow-melt” technology is bullsh*t and has to be stopped. I don’t need dessert going on for an hour. Dinner took long enough. Melt and be done with yourself.
2) You don’t need to come in “enhanced” colors. I don’t have time to scrub the “enhanced” stains you leave behind and I can’t keep tossing shirts.
3) You absolutely must do something about those sh*tty-ass jokes you’re plastering all over your sticks.
I understand that you’re capitalizing on the way kids love to make adults laugh. And I know it’s important to make them feel good about themselves. But your lack of joke writing effort has hit a fortune-cookie low. It forced me to fake-laugh at my kid back in June, which caused her to spend the better part of this summer dedicated to making me to laugh like that again.
And now, encouraged by the fact that jokes don’t have to make any sense to get on your stick, she’s writing and performing her own material on a daily basis which also doesn’t make any sense. And her “How Did the Book Get on Top of the Other Book,” and “What Did the Corn Say to the Banana” bits are playing minesweeper with my brain.
So consider this a warning. Any more bullsh*t “jokes” like this:
And you’re out, Buddy.
You’re O-U-T, out.
I’ve got a great recipe for making breakfast popsicles that mind their business, don’t stain and melt at a satisfactory pace. I will serve them for dessert.
Sincerely,
CK
©2010 CEK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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What flavor was the popsicle? I mean, if it were lime or grape – the joke MIGHT be worth it. But I wouldn’t put up with that shit for orange.
I can forgive a lot in my sweets but you’re right — those “jokes” are the worst
I love how Dimples laughs at the jokes even though she does not understand them. Earlier she used to ask what it meant, and I had to explain, and then laugh with her. I’m glad she stopped asking, since explaining is hard if you don’t understand the stupid jokes yourself sometimes.
p.s.I was going to write about these silly popsicle stick jokes- TODAY. Even had the pics ready, and then I saw your post.
Well, thanks for writing what I could not.
You are certainly on the mark with your complaints. I have tossed SEVEN, count them, seven, shirts into the crapper this summer because of the neon blue popsicle stains that do NOT, even with Zout, come out in the wash. And no, I did not have the sense to stop buying the damn things…I am just not smart that way.
And WTF is up with that joke? I don’t even get it. That is some lame-ass stuff there, although I am intrigued as to what the Corn had to say to the Banana?
And you are big-hearted and wonderful AND completely right–breakfast popsicles rule the roost. xoxo
You’re a damn mess. Seriously though, the fake laugh, once brought out, can be impossibly hard to get rid of.
I loathe popsicles in the house, outside I can deal with them somewhat. However, usually that means scrubbing children clean only to have them still stained the next day.
Funny. really funny.
OMG, that is the WORST joke ever, but I can’t help it – I am cracking up b/c it is that bad!
Flavored popsicles go right up there with play doh and fingerpaint as mom torture devices.
I’ll take fudgsicles, any day.
Can I also sign my name to that letter?
I have to agree the jokes are bad. They were never good but the two tents crack is an all time loser. If you are starting a petition I would like to sign.
I stick with the good old fashion flavors that can be sprayed to invisble with Shout. But those jokes. Horrible. Let’s write our own.
Those enhanced colored stains aren’t just on the clothes you know. Have you looked at your couch?
Oh, those jokes. We have reverted to using the SpongeBob laugh for those jokes. You know, that machine-gun sounding laugh? If you hear that in our house, you know that either the TV is on or someone just read their popsicle stick out loud.
I guess if one of the personalities was tense, maybe it’d make sense. but really, do we need abnormal psych discussions while slurping sugar water?
I’m a freak about healthy food and healthy ingredients, but something about blue frozen treats draws me in like nectar to hummingbird. given the chance to have a normal flavor, I will always choose whatever toxic waste is in the blue rasberry popsicles, Icees, Mr. Mistys. Sigh. Love blue like you love purple.
Insert [ poor joke ].
I’m thinking these jokes are making you, ck, a little too tents(tense) LOL I only give my boys popsicles in the bathtub… after throwing out 2 shirts each.
I’ve often wondered what the qualifications are for getting your shitty jokes on popsickles, I’m glad I’m not the only one.
ROTFL. Classic post, CK. Love it!
That’s right you tell that Popsicle to put that stick where the sun don’t shine!
I love this post, hilarious!
This totally made me think of Laffy Taffy and how much I loved the banana flavored and the bad jokes they had when I was growing up. I wonder how much my parents hated them.
I have made it through one more summer keeping Miss D. in the dark about the joy of popsicles. She also doesn’t know why that truck keeps driving slowly through the neighborhood blasting bad music.
Oh thanks I needed that laugh. It’s so true. I laughed so hard I woke a kid but it was worth it.
Slow melt? How about no-melt? :)
Wow, that is possibly the worst joke in the world. Seriously. They used to at least try to make the jokes a little funny when I was a kid. Didn’t they?
Allison @ Alli ‘n Son´s last [type] ..Feeling Whole Again
I agree this WAS funny! What’s that I hear??? DING-DONG! Schoolbells! Time for these damn popsicle eatin’, joke tellin’, bored ass kids to get back to school!
Jersey Girl Gets Real´s last [type] ..A Suggestion from the Peanut Gallery
YES!
(Two weeks from now for us, but still sooooo exciting. For my kids, I mean. Not for me. I haven’t been counting it down and crossing off each passing day on my mental calendar or anything.)
Oh…no…no we are not counting either…YES I AM!!! 19 DAYS!! 19 DAYS UNTIL MY KIDS START SCHOOL!! I believe Staples is using me as their new spokesperson who dances down the isles of the school supplies while the song “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” plays in the backround.
Jersey Girl Gets Real´s last [type] ..A Suggestion from the Peanut Gallery
That is, hands down, my favorite commercial of all time. I thought it was cute when it first aired, but didn’t understand the brilliance of it until I had kids. And now? I’ll probably watch it a few more times just because I’m happy someone other than me remembers it. And was thinking about it today. Guess I shouldn’t be surprised it was a fellow Jersey Girl. We’re like, totally, on the same wavelength. For you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwcYbo7pjto
I agree whats up with the damn food coloring in these things? Why can’t they come out with something that is colorful but doesnt freakin stain shit!
I’m one of those boring moms that makes her own popsicles out of juice…however, get me talking about the lame quiz questions on Spongebob Go-gurts and I won’t stop. Now that school has started here, Gogurts are for lunches only. Let the teacher be quizzed on Spongebob trivia!
Jane´s last [type] ..A Must See !!!
How have I missed that Staples commercial? That was brilliant!
Seriously, my favorite phrase in this is “fortune-cookie low.” I laughed so hard at that. But then again, I also don’t really let eldest have Popsicles. We’re move of an ice cream family over all. Why eat frozen fruit juice when you can have sugary frozen cream? Cream, I say!
Luc is telling “potty” jokes as he calles them in which different animals, objects, or people fart…don’t know where he learned them, I suppose at his institution of higher learning (pre-school). Glad to see the cirriculum is is really top O’ the line…His jokes go something like this….”the duck farted! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” No punchline, no nothing. Boo.
We only let the Kid eat popsicles stripped down to his diaper. He was still getting tie-dyed with “enhanced color” body tattoos. I ended up finding California Snow all-natural ice pops – NO DYES. And still cheap, I’m sorry but my 18 m.o. does not require gourmet frozen treats. Plus, they’re damn tasty. I’ll eat them too and I’m Team Ice Cream all the way. Only thumbs-down? I just scanned the package for their website and they DON’T HAVE ONE. What is this, 1999?
Hamma_Hamma´s last [type] ..Double- double- toil and trouble
I go with Otter Pops. Less mess. No stupid jokes. And, I remember from my own childhood all those oatmeal packets with the jokes on them. I think they still have ‘em on the Dinosaur Egg Oatmeal. Fortunately, I’m quick on the grab and don’t give my kid time to read it.
Cathy´s last [type] ..I Feel Like Im Gonna Puke
What? You think fortune cookies’ fortunes are absurd? I’m pretty sure I live my life by their prophecies.
Amber´s last [type] ..To My Eldest-
Too funny CK. You never disappoint.
Rudri Patel´s last [type] ..Let One Thing Go
Until this moment, I had no idea popsicle stick jokes even existed. My kids are Fudgsicle and Creamsicle eaters. If the jokes turn up on the sticks of our beloved Fudgsicles and Creamsicles, there will be hell to pay. Oh, by the way, what do you call a bald devil’s best friend? A hell toupee! :)
Jenny´s last [type] ..Not That Mom
Those jokes…oye vay. The worst is when you have to explain them…and the kids don’t even get it. Can’t we just eat a popsicle??
Kid jokes suck. Love the breakfast popsicle recipe, though. Thanks!
Meredith of Now Is Good´s last [type] ..Just A Picture
Dude. Popsicles are such little biotches! I hate those bloody things. But the jokes. At least they are WAY better than what my #1 comes up with. His jokes aren’t horrible, because at least he can read, it’s more his presentation that sucks. He will never, ever, EVER be a comedian. I know that, why doesn’t he? And, it’s wrong to tell him that right?
Dumb Mom´s last [type] ..Paint You Can Eat Maybe Natural Paint for Kids
Popsicles are a special camping treat ’round here. We go through probably 100 of them in 2 days out in the woods where you just through them in the lake to rinse off. At home treats always come in solid form.
It took me saying that joke out loud to my husband to get it. Lame.
Slow melt popsicles are evil. The mess, the stains, the stickiness are bad enough, but when I’m looking to usher everyone out of the kitchen to clean up after dinner, and popsicles are prolonging the agony, that’s where I draw the line.
LZ´s last [type] ..I don’t move in mysterious ways
I don’t get it. Oh, wait…hahahahaha. Nope. Still don’t get it. (You are hilarious, though).
I don’t know, I kind of like the cheesy jokes. But that slow melt shit, no thank you. Especially when the bath is already run and I’m counting the minutes until bedtime.
Casey´s last [type] ..Random Thursday Thoughts – The Madness That Is BlogHer
My first laugh out loud with snort at a blog. Loved it.
Sorry; my blog link wasn’t typed correctly. I am a blog person. I really am!
Loveskidlit´s last [type] ..Careful What You Wish For
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