Dear Dental Hygienist,
I think you’re a lovely person. I do. In fact, when I don’t cancel my appointments, I see in you all of the qualities I look for in a Masked Teeth Cleaner. If I were able to open my eyes while you scraped what sounded like plaque icebergs from my lower incisors, I’m sure I’d find you attractive as well.
I also admire how hard you work. I, too, have depressing responsibilities at my job, but I’ve been promised they’re just phases. You? You’re amazing. You went to school for this on purpose. So due to fact that your mouth education obviously supersedes my own, I acknowledge that you know more about the whole teeth cleaning business than I do.
However, if your concern over my lapsing visits was as sincere as you insisted, perhaps you’d be willing to address some of my concerns.
1) The dentist office is second only to the Library in the short list of places where it’s socially acceptable to be silent. Please stop trying to make conversation. You of all people should know that I can’t respond while you’re rooting around in my mouth with that mirror stick.
2) Speaking of that mirror, I’m sorry I kept slapping it around with my tongue; I tried to keep it still, but it acts like a prairie dog when it’s nervous.
3) I appreciate how calm you are, as well as your invitations to relax. However, until you put down that periodontal ice pick, my fists will be doing involuntary hand-kegels.
4) And BTW: I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure you’re NOT supposed to stab my gums whilst removing tartar.
5) We’ve discussed the sensitive nature of my lower molars EVERY SINGLE TIME I’VE COME IN. Plus you make a note of it each time I’ve gasped when you scraped them anyway. Please stop tsking as though you’re surprised. You can’t shame me. It’s too late.
6) We’ve also reviewed my over-active salivary gland. I should not have to keep asking for “Mr. Thirsty.” Put that stupid air-sucking tool under my tongue so I can stop drowning in my own spit.
7) That watermelon tooth paste? Gross. What happened to good ol’ mint? Next time, if you’ve only got watermelon, feel free to substitute it for that mulch you guys use outside.
Anyway, I’m so glad we had this chat. Maybe six months from now I’ll answer the phone when the receptionist calls. And thanks again for cleaning my teeth. It’s nice to feel the back of them again.
PS: One last thing. I feel kind of silly asking because I’m pretty sure there’s really only one answer, but why on earth do you have two of these in your office bathroom?
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