Dear Dental Hygienist,
I think you’re a lovely person. I do. In fact, when I don’t cancel my appointments, I see in you all of the qualities I look for in a Masked Teeth Cleaner. If I were able to open my eyes while you scraped what sounded like plaque icebergs from my lower incisors, I’m sure I’d find you attractive as well.
I also admire how hard you work. I, too, have depressing responsibilities at my job, but I’ve been promised they’re just phases. You? You’re amazing. You went to school for this on purpose. So due to fact that your mouth education obviously supersedes my own, I acknowledge that you know more about the whole teeth cleaning business than I do.
However, if your concern over my lapsing visits was as sincere as you insisted, perhaps you’d be willing to address some of my concerns.
1) The dentist office is second only to the Library in the short list of places where it’s socially acceptable to be silent. Please stop trying to make conversation. You of all people should know that I can’t respond while you’re rooting around in my mouth with that mirror stick.
2) Speaking of that mirror, I’m sorry I kept slapping it around with my tongue; I tried to keep it still, but it acts like a prairie dog when it’s nervous.
3) I appreciate how calm you are, as well as your invitations to relax. However, until you put down that periodontal ice pick, my fists will be doing involuntary hand-kegels.
4) And BTW: I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure you’re NOT supposed to stab my gums whilst removing tartar.
5) We’ve discussed the sensitive nature of my lower molars EVERY SINGLE TIME I’VE COME IN. Plus you make a note of it each time I’ve gasped when you scraped them anyway. Please stop tsking as though you’re surprised. You can’t shame me. It’s too late.
6) We’ve also reviewed my over-active salivary gland. I should not have to keep asking for “Mr. Thirsty.” Put that stupid air-sucking tool under my tongue so I can stop drowning in my own spit.
7) That watermelon tooth paste? Gross. What happened to good ol’ mint? Next time, if you’ve only got watermelon, feel free to substitute it for that mulch you guys use outside.
Anyway, I’m so glad we had this chat. Maybe six months from now I’ll answer the phone when the receptionist calls. And thanks again for cleaning my teeth. It’s nice to feel the back of them again.
-CK
PS: One last thing. I feel kind of silly asking because I’m pretty sure there’s really only one answer, but why on earth do you have two of these in your office bathroom?
PPS: And who cleans them if/when they’re used?
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{ 37 comments }
Hilarious and so true. I will never understand why they try to make conversation.
I love my dental hygienist. She actually does remember, from one visit to another, that I have four kids. Probably because she’s always pregnant when I visit. Seriously. Like every 6 months.
I keep reminding her that we do know how to prevent that these days.
This was laugh-out-loud, just-what-I-needed, funny. Thanks, girl.
(Although, it does make me want to cancel my next appt.)
Substitute it with the mulch! ha ha. Love you, boo.
So funny! I hate the dentist. If I could find a good hygienist, I’d tuck her in my pocket and keep her forever.
I don’t have an answer to your question. How weird to have hair brushes in the bathroom. Wouldn’t tooth brushes make more sense? 8)
Hilarious CK. This rang true since I visited the dentist just last week. I think I found a hygenist I liked so all is good. Sounds like you may be searching for another one… good luck girl!
Sad but true. (And re: the hairbrushes. That confirms my own belief that the dentist and the doctor are in a conspiracy. In this case, through spreading head lice. But if that fails, the dentist gives “free french fries” cards to kids, while the doctor hands out suckers. It’s obvious, isn’t it?!)
What? Free french fries? I got so shafted. All I got was a toothbrush.
You need a new dentist. I have super sensitive gumlines and my dentist has this wonderful new technology. It’s an ultrasonic chipper. Barely any scraping involved AT ALL. And, for those super sensitive teeth, they also put on a dose of fluoride gel before they start the process. Those two things make the dentist manageable. Seriously – find a new dentist!
Oh, but see…the actual dentist is a GEM. He’s amazing. I love him. (I mean, in an appropriate dentist-y way.) Maybe I can get some pamphlets of the products you mentioned and strategically “drop” them all over the office in six months. Or seven. Or next year…
Why do hygenists ask questions when patients obviously can’t respond??
It’s almost like they KNOW how much they are torturing people and just want to get in one little jab, for fun.
Seriously were those hair brushes in there? That just isnt right.
I am terrified of the dentist, so i have to be knocked out to go visit.
My tongue takes on a life of it’s own at the dentist too. So embarassing to lose all control of it.
Are you kidding me? Brushes in the bathroom? Ummmm, well I don’t have anything nice to say about that.
And also, the scraping. God how I HATE the scraping. I’m squirming in my seat right now.
My tongue does the same thing. I thought I was the only one. At least I have someone to live in shame with.
Prairie dog tongue and hand-kegels and Mr. Thirsty? You’ve outdone yourself, here. I thought this was so clever. Although those hairbrushes are disturbing.
And also, now that I know there’s a dentist out there who gives “free french-fry cards” to patients, I will always leave the office bitterly, fingering my free floss.
Those are big toothbrushes for the patients with really nasty teeth, of course. ;)
I loathe the dentist and I definitely don’t want to chit chat. I try to avoid it at the salon so why would I want it in the dentist’s chair?
Gah. This post is making me feel guilty that I haven’t been since before I got pregnant (THREE DAMN YEARS AGO). My teeth are actively rotting out of my head. But I floss!
Hairbrushes in the restroom? Really!?
Yes. Why, why WHY do they always start a conversation once they’ve pried open your mouth?!
My hygienist is a chatty Cathy, too. And she keeps trying to sell me that teeth-whitening stuff, even though she sees my woefully neglected eyebrows every time she cleans my teeth. Can’t she tell I’m a woman with no time, money and inclination for a frivolous beauty regimen??
We go to the same dental hygenist – except mine was chewing gum last time. Since when is chewing gum in a dentist’s office (or any professional office) OK?
I laughed outloud several times. Thank you.
Sweet Lordy! I gave up my appointment for my metal mouth, oldest son. I think I actually heard my gums cry….Oh the joys of motherhood! When I finally go, in December, I am sure that they might find a fourth child hidden amongst the tartar on my teeth… icannot think about how bad it is going to suck! And, for the record, the flouride shit they put in your mouth is awful, but only slightly less than the antiseptic rinse they inject between my teeth, in a failing effort to keep my gums from receding! Yippee! I can’t wait to get old!
I, too, ONLY do mint. Seriously? Watermelon?
Oh Horrors!! The community hairbrush is a teacher’s WORST night mare!!!
My cleanings take FOREVER because my hygienist keeps taking the instruments out of my mouth because she actually wants me to answer the questions that she insists upon asking me. I keep hoping that the random “uh-huh” and “un-uh” responses will be enough and I can actually get out of there in a reasonable amount of time. But alas…
If only the hygienist would stop talking, I swear I could sleep during my cleanings. Lay me back in a chair with no child around to ask me to getsomemilkkissabooreadthisbookmakeherstophittingme? Scrape away, lady. I’ll just lie back and snooze.
Ok. Eww. But then I have a thing about hair that’s not on someone’s head. I know. Weird.
Oh, is THAT where I left my hair brush? The key to a really good dental staff is to have shitty teeth. I’m assuming you have nice teeth so that’s your problem. My dentist sees me so often that they know all of my quirks (DO NOT PUT COTTON IN MY MOUTH) and also know that it’s the one place where I get total silence so they let me chillax in their dental chair before going home to the kids.
Hope things are good up there for you… miss you and miss blogging!
Ok, that was laugh-out-loud funny all the way through. The hand-kegels and Mr. Thirsty–finally names to put on those bizarre thoughts I have while in “the chair”. It’s quite refreshing, and yet somewhat disturbing, to realize there are others out there who think like I do…
I try to avoid the dentist but the military has all these damn rules about not letting our teeth rot. Psh!
These points you’ve nicely spelled out to your dental hygienist? Are the reasons I would rather go to the gynecologist.
#1 – THANK YOU. It’s about time someone said something about this annoying issue! Seriously.
#2 – I accidently snorted and blew snot out my nose this was so funny. TMI? Probably.
#6 – Again, thank you for saying something. How does this particular issue go unnoticed by these people. Seriously.
LOL funny.
Am I the only Dental Hygienist to comment here? Hopefully I don’t regret it. lol
Seriously, such a funny blog. So many people can relate to many if not all of the issues you’ve mentioned here.
I think I will tackle the hairbrush in the bathroom first. If its the only bathroom in the office, the brushes probably belong to the staff, although I have no idea why they would risk leaving it out in public like that.
Not all hygienists talk consistently throughout the appointment, lol. I usually ask my questions before beginning the cleaning and give comments and feedback and/or oral hygiene instructions at the end when the patient is happy to not have any sharp instruments in their mouth and are more willing to listen to my tips.
Also if i do talk its because I already have a good relationship with my patient and we are mutually catching up on our lives.
I almost never ask a patient to calm down because it just calls attention to their anxiety in the first place. But if I do, its probably because the patient is squeezing their lips against my fingers, and my hand starts to ache just trying to fight them off and I need some relief, lol.
The tongue out of control thing is involuntary so we just take it in stride.
Mr. Thirsty isn’t always on for a couple of reasons. One, it tends to like to suck the heck out of some patients soft tissues and hurt, its overly drying, and some patients are sensitive to how it feels when its near their teeth. Also, Mr. Thirsty is annoyingly loud and hygienists work in a noisy environment for long hours and we like a break now and again.
Sorry about the watermelon flavor, I myself would rather only use Mint for adults and bubblegum for the kiddies. However, in many practices the hygienist doesn’t order the prophy paste, usually an assistant or office manager will do that. Other unpopular choices include Pina colada (the absolute worst), cherry, orange creamsicle and cinammon.
The patient feels like they are being stabbed whilst the hygienist is removing tartar but depending on the condition of the gums and tenaciousness of the tartar, and where the tarter is located (deep inside the gums) it may hurt. This is why we insist and reiterate the importance of always brushing along the gumline, flossing daily and following other oral home hygiene routines. They are all designed to maintain healthy gums, protect your teeth against cavities and keeping tartar buildup to a minimum but most importantly, protecting you against periodontal disease. Some teeth, like the lower anteriors are often more sensitive. Yep, we know this. But it’s also the most common spot for plaque and tartar buildup and we are not doing you a favor by leaving it there. Do you really think we like the dirty look, jumps, gasps and jerks from the patient while we are trying to do a good job? I certainly don’t! But I take my job seriously enough to make sure I do my best by each and every patient, whether I like you or not :-). Thats because I seriously love my job and definitely care about the health of my patients. Yep, oral health is connected to systemic health (especially heart disease) and I am helping all of my patients every day I work :-)
Dear Mclark,
I hope I haven’t offended you with any of this! I said it all in jest because I know most of those things are either 1) my fault or 2) my own issues. Things I focused on to keep still while praying I’d get out of the office without being told my gum disease had returned. I think my hygienist is a saint. I feel bad that she has to deal with my mouth every time I sit down in her chair.
CK
PS: Don’t lie. You know you guys are smirking behind the masks when you give us grownups the gross tooth paste. I was in a few days earlier and my daughter was given the choice of strawberry or bubblegum. There was no mention of those flavors as I tried to decipher what my teeth were assaulted with. :)
My dental hygenist is always overly excited like causing me pain brings her comfort. I always get the cinnamon without choice and trust me it’s no better.
Hilarious. And creepy. Hairbrushes? Because when you have drool and blood smeared across your cheek and chunks of plaque spattered on your shirt, it’s nice to feel that your hair is at its fluffy and shiny best.