all the introverts holla! (or nod slightly from a safe distance)

One of the clearest memories I have of wishing I was different took place on a bus in high school. I was with a group of drama kids, so it was very loud and boisterous. I was sitting towards the back of the bus, just on the peripheral of the core of actors who were hilarious. All-the-time hilarious. I wished more than anything else that I was that free. That I could think on my feet and join in on the funny banter. I longed to be responsible for the laughter, instead of just one who laughed.

But I wasn’t.

I’ve never thought quickly on my feet. I’m more of a “come-up-with-it-later-and-spend-a-week-wishing-I’d-said-it-then” kinda girl. In fact, I’ve only once in my life come up with a funny response off the cuff. It went like this:

My husband and I entered the house of a good friend who refused to neuter his large, male dog (even though he didn’t stud him) and would get defensive when anyone would mention the pros of such an action. The dog proceeded to clamp on to my husband’s leg and pull himself up to a standing position.

ME: You really need to take care of that dog.

GOOD FRIEND: Oh yeah? Would you neuter your husband?

ME: If he humped everyone who entered the house, yes.

See? Not very impressive. But to me it was HUGE. I rode that conversational triumph for years. (And apparently still do.) Anyway, the point is, I’m introverted. Being in crowds exhausts me. When I used to work nothing drained me quicker than trying to come up with something witty to say on the office card, or the 2pm cake gathering to wish someone something. And a packed soccer field or waiting room at the dance studio? I’d rather sit alone in my car and read a book. But being a parent, especially the parent of an extrovert, doesn’t allow for that. Don’t get me wrong. I really like people, but all the wishing in the world will never turn me into a chit-chatting-small-talker who does well in crowds.

I mention this because I recently read a book that changed the way I understood being introverted (it’s an older book and the author has done well for herself, so I’m not promoting it or anything). Reading it was like meeting myself for the first time. It also allowed me to forgive what I’ve always percieved as shortcomings because it’s not something I’ve done wrong; it’s just my temperament.

So if you’re extroverted, or introverted and already “in the know” about yourself, you might want to x-out of this post; it will probably be a snoozer for you. But for any introvert out there who doesn’t really understand what being introverted actually means, read on. Below are some parts of the book I highlighted.

• Their energy is drained in crowds, classes, or any noisy and invasive environment. They may like people very much, but after talking to anyone, they usually begin to feel the need to move away, take a break, and get some air.
• They are people who need private space to refuel, who do not gain their primary energy from external activities, and who usually need time to reflect and think before they speak.
• Introverts don’t talk for talk’s sake. When they speak, they speak their mind. Sometimes they withhold even that.
• She feared, as many introverts do, that she would take up too much space. (I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve felt that way.)
• However, extroverts also ought to be aware that if introverts have carefully thought out their ideas on a subject, or know a lot about a topic, then watch out—the formerly quiet innies’ lips will start flapping fast and furious.
• Often introverts have trouble finding the word they want when they are speaking out loud. Our brains use many different areas for speaking, reading, and writing; therefore, information needs to flow freely between the separate areas. Word retrieval may be a problem for introverts because the information moves slowly. One cause of this is that we use long-term memory, so it takes longer and requires the right association (something that reminds us of the word) to reach back into our long-term memory to locate the exact word we want. If we are anxious, it may be even more difficult to find and articulate a word. Written words use different pathways in the brain, which seems to flow fluently for many introverts.
• The fact that introverts’ brains are buzzing means that innies are likely to: • Reduce eye contact when speaking to focus on collecting words and thoughts; increase eye contact when listening to take in information • Surprise others with their wealth of information • Shy away from too much attention or focus • Appear glazed, dazed, or zoned out when stressed, tired, or in groups The dominance of the l-o-n-g acetylcholine pathway means that introverts : • May start talking in the middle of a thought, which can confuse others • Have a good memory but take a long time to retrieve memories • Can forget things they know very well—might stumble around when explaining their job or temporarily forget a word they want to use • May think they told you something when they just have thought it • Are clearer about ideas, thoughts, and feelings after sleeping on them • May not be aware of their thoughts unless they write or talk about them The activation of the parasympathetic nervous system means that introverts: • May have trouble getting motivated or moving, might appear lazy •
• The Introvert’s Communication Style Introverts tend to: • Keep energy, enthusiasm, and excitement to themselves and share only with those they know very well. Hesitate before sharing personal information with others. • Need time to think before responding. Need time to reflect before reacting to outside events. • Prefer communicating one-to-one. • Need to be drawn out or invited to speak, and may prefer written to verbal communication. • May occasionally think they told you something they didn’t (they’re always going over things in their head). be slow to react under stress • May have a calm or reserved manner; may walk, talk, or eat slowly • May need to regulate protein intake and body temperature • Must have breaks to restore energy.

These excerpts represent just a small corner of the book, but they were areas that spoke to me. The book is called The Introvert Advantage, written by Marti Olsen Laney. I’m not really one for self-help books, but this one didn’t feel too self-helpy to me.

And now that I know more about what it means to be introverted, I just have to figure out how on earth I’m going to make it through the extra-curricular lifestyle of an extroverted child. I get exhausted just thinking about it…

©2010 CEK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Excerpts from “The Introvert Advantage” ©2002 Marti Olsen Laney.

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