go shorty, it’s your birfday

6:37 PM – I arrive home.  The dog almost takes me out, kids screaming, wife talking… just let me get in the f*cking door!!

6:38 PM – I open the fridge door.  Hmm, what’s this?  No beer.  What I’m thinking: I thought you went grocery shopping today?  Why didn’t you get beer?

ME: How was your day today?

CK: Pretty good.  Hey, I have bible study tonight, but, since tomorrow is my birthday, is it cool if I – SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING…

6:38 PM (Still) – Oh my God, her birthday!  I completely forgot.  Yes, 10/21. Sh*t.  Be cool and answer her.

ME: You want to go out tomorrow night with your friends?  Well, okay, I mean, I had all this stuff planned, but we can push that back.  I mean, it’s your day.

Not sure if she’s buying it.  She seems content with the answer though.

6:40 PM - Sit down to dinner.  She asks me what I would like to drink with it.  Beer, woman, beer.

ME: Water’s fine, thanks.

6:42 PM -THE KINDLE!  I did get her something for her birthday!  I just gave it to her two weeks early.  Praise God. Sweet, merciful God who blesses all who –

ONE: Daddy, how many more days until mama’s birthday?

The kids.  They’ll probably want to give her something.  Why God?  Why do you try the ones You love?

6:45 PM – CK heads out to the car for bible study.  I watch the car pull off.

ME: ONE, TWO, get your coats on.  We have to go get mommy a gift for her birthday.

ONE actually puts together a cute little ensemble with a down vest.  Definitely a chip off of the old block, that one.  TWO, she’s a train wreck.  Her pink windbreaker is almost the exact shade of her nylon parachute pants.  Whatever.  Brings out the brown in the peanut butter smudged all over her cheek.  CK and I, we used to laugh at trifling little kids like this.  Now, I’m toting two of them off to…

6:51 PM – The Teeter.  What’d you think, I was gonna take two kids to a mall at a quarter to seven?  Have I not made it clear that I am neither husband nor father of the year?

6:55 PM (yes, four entire minutes to walk thirty yards from the car to the store’s entrance).

TWO: Cat?  Cat?

ME: No, baby, they don’t have kitty cats in the grocery store.

ONE: She didn’t say “cat.”  She said she wants to push the cart.  The little kid one.

ME: Tell her no.

ONE: She understands words, Dad.  She just has trouble saying some of them.

Five years old and yet, infinite wisdom.

6:56 PM – Estimated time in the store just tripled.

ME: Don’t – sh*t – please – TWO! – Don’t touch that!  ONE! Come here!

7:04 PM – The linoleum checkered-print floor prompts this game:

ONE: Dad, if you step on the white, you’re stepping on lava.

ME: I don’t care.  We need to get a gift bag, some candy, some cards, and-

ONE: Dad, your feet are gonna burn off in the lava!

ME: Maybe it’s not lava.  Maybe it just feels really hot like lava because I’m actually in hell right now.

ONE: Get out of the lava, Dad!

7:08 PM – TWO goes from pushing the cart at like zero miles an hour to a full sprint, running down the aisle.

ME: TWO! Don’t – slow down!  You’re gonna –

7:08 PM – BAM.  I don’t mean to laugh, but I told her to slow down.

ONE: TWO, get up, you’re in the lava.

TWO:  WAAAAHHHH!

ME: Stop crying in the lava. People are staring.

7:11 PM – We’ve been down three aisles in fifteen minutes.  There’s fourteen aisles in the store.  I haven’t found anything on my list yet. Lucky for me, Harris Teeter is open 24 hours.

7:13 PM – We run into the manager.

ME: Hey, where’s the gift stuff?

MANAGER: This is a grocery store.

ME: Yeah, but like cards and sh*t like that.

MANAGER: Second floor.

ME: Second floor?  I thought you said this was a grocery store.

7:15 PM –

ONE & TWO: I WANT TO PUSH THE BUTTON!! NO!! I WANNA PUSH THE BUTTON!!

Seriously losing it at this point, but I don’t want to become the guy in the hack-standup-bit about parents losing their cool on their kids in the grocery store.

7:16 PM – Hmm, this could make for a nice gift – wait, where did my kids go?

7:18 PM – I make them both stand right next to me while I look over gift bags, wrapping paper, cards, etc.

ONE: We should -

ME: Be quiet.

ONE: But Dad -

ME: What did I just say?

ONE: Dad!

ME: ONE, don’t push me.

ONE: But Dad…

ME: WHAT?! What, ONE?

ONE: You’re standing in lava.

7:20 PM – One item in the cart. 24 minutes. One item. And then…

7:20 PM – Someone put the beer section next to the gift section?  Seriously?  It’s like it’s my birthday.

7:22 PM -  We head back to the gift section and start browsing through bows.

ONE: No, TWO, that’s the one I was gonna get Mommy!

TWO: No, ONE, I gonna get Mama – WAAAAHHHH!

ONE:  DAAAAAD!!! TWO doesn’t get to have –

I grab both bows, throw them in the cart.  Hope Mommy likes bows and tissue paper, cause that’s what she’s getting for her birthday.

7:26 PM – Self checkout lane.

ONE: No, Dad, I really do know how to do it.

ME: Good.

ONE: So, can I?

Too late.

My migraine has a face, ONE; it looks like you.

7:31 PM – Final bill: $19.41.  Beer, bows and tissue paper.

CK – I barely made it through this trip, but I’d do it a thousands times over again for you.

My love for you still burns hot like lava.

Happy Birthday, Boo.

©2010 MK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. TWEETING @EARLTHEBUTCHER

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