To My Dearest Husband,
I’m really sorry. (Don’t roll your eyes. I AM sorry.)
First, I’m sorry for judging you. I know I said I wasn’t, but I totally was. I’m sorry for chipping away at your core with posts like >>this one<< in which I claimed that you expelled your gross factor, as well as part of your manliness after I did all the real work, birthing your child. I’m especially sorry for “grrrrr-ing” each time you pretended not to notice one of our rank children frolicking around the house in crappy pants and how you consistently pawned off the one dirty diaper you got stuck with each week.
Because now I understand. I finally get it. All because of:
Don’t worry. I haven’t bought new furniture. This belongs to the nursery I’ve been helping out in lately. And as you might imagine, part of “helping” is diaper rotation. Two weeks ago I got stuck changing the poopy diaper of a sweet, tiny child I didn’t know and it was so gross that I gagged. Not “gag-me-with-a-spoon” gag, but watching-someone-else-vomit gag.
And I continued to dry heave for a few minutes after I put her back down on the floor. For the rest of the shift I actively ignored any other child who smelled as though he/she might have a little somethin’ goin’ on in there. I was NOT the one getting paid to be there. I was just the HELPER.
And then this week when I found myself filling in again, this same adorable child took a man-size dump and wandered over to me to ask for a new diaper. This time when I changed her, my eyes teared and bile crept up the back of my throat. I actually had to step away from the changing table for fear that I would throw up on her. Thankfully she didn’t take the opportunity to escape, as TWO would’ve.
About twenty minutes later another kid had a poopy diaper. And it was a boy. Since I’ve never changed a poopy diaper with a penis in it, I just couldn’t do it. So I pretended he was fine. Wished a rash-free existence on him and his family. Waited for the woman in charge to notice. Which she did, God bless her. She changed his stinky behind without a complaint, although I think she might have “grrrrr-ed” at me. I’m not sure.
So like I said, I understand now and I’m sorry.
Because if I changed just one poopy diaper per week and was so wholly unfamiliar with the smell of our kid’s poop that it made me gag, I’d pawn it off on the nearest adult too. And if you stayed home with the kids and changed diapers all day long, I’d also say things like, “Daddy’s better at things like this,” and “What’s one more?” and then walk out of the room.
Because really, what’s one more?
With love and affection,
Your Wife
©2010 CEK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
WANT SOME DAILY AFFIRMATION THAT YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY BAD MOMMY OUT THERE? FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, OR COME VENT ON FACEBOOK. WE’LL BAD-MOMMY IT TOGETHER.
{ 50 comments }
That brought a smile.
I am watching a little girl during the year that I am off and MAN ALIVE she stinks. I hate changing her! I do it though. I do have to say the first time I opened her diaper I thought “What the heck do I do with a girl?”
Nothing like a poo story to start a Monday! :)
I don’t even know how you changed the one diaper! I was totally fine with all 3 of my children. However, one morning I was watching a very close friend’s child. He was almost 3. Extremely close to the age when pooping your pants is unacceptable. I had to change him. {{pause because I’m having flashbacks…}} It’s a miracle I did not throw up on him also. So. Gross.
So true. What’s one more? The will of God will never take you where the grace of God can’t keep you. True here!
I’m so with ya on this one…my hubby avoids my daughter’s poopy diapers like the plague. Her being in cloth diapers has just added to his aversion; he refuses to do the “pre treating” required. Oh well, what’s one more? :)
I swear I can count on one hand how many poo filled diaper the husband has changed in the last 18 months. It drives me batty. I WILL NOT apologize for grrrrring at him….poop is gross.
My husband can never smell the shit, no matter how rank…or so he says.
And I totally agree that the shit of a child who is NOT yours is at least 4 times as gross…I have also been known to gag.
I get it, as an excuse.
But it’s still an excuse.
Poop is one of the reasons I was so set on solely BFing Lil Daddy until he was 6 mos old. Though it looks like curry (which I haven’t had since, um, Lil Daddy came on the scene!), it smells like butter. He’s definitely getting some funk to him at 14 mos old, but it’s still not like some of the bombs my nieces used to drop (and I changed those a lot, with tons of gags).
Big Daddy’s pretty good about not complaining if there’s a load and it’s his “turn,” but he rarely pre-treats the cloth dipes that come home from daycare. So I went NUTSO this weekend when a poo diaper was left ON TOP OF THE DIAPER BIN instead of being sprayed out (we have a tiny shower attached TO our toilet… super fun… If I was a kid, I’d def try to shower while ON the pot…). I gave him a good what-for. Hope it lasts the better part of a week…
Blech, I can barely change my own kid’s diapers without gagging, miscellaneous poop is just disgusting. You did the right thing and I fully support your decision. Let me know if you need me to put it in writing.
My husband used to gag and dry-heave and moan and groan because he was going to pass out when our daughter had a poopy diaper. Now he works at a hospital and hasn’t passed out once – I’m thinkin I was lied to.
we’re out of diapers around here but i still have to wipe butts. my own…not so bad. someone else’s…there’s just something wrong with that.
What’s one more, indeed! The only thing (possibly) worse than changing another child’s poopy diaper? Having your own child poop directly into tissue you are holding in your hands because he decides to squat in the middle of the bedroom and you can’t get a diaper fast enough.
I love being a mother, I love being a mother, I love being a mother . . . .
I never thought of it that way! And penis/poops are so much harder to clean!!
Ha ha ha!
hilarious! I love it how you can write a blog entry about changing nappies and turn it into a sort of comedy thing… your poor hubby…poor you too! xxx
A French friend of mine said the following: “Children are like farts; you can only stand your own.” This applies to poopy diapers as well. I seriously wanted to gag reading that post because, frankly, any scatological discussion makes me want to toss my lunch.
Ugh. I think I’m going to be sick.
I am so with you on not being able to change a diaper with a penis in it. I have issues, I just cannot do it.
This post reminds me of the tale of The Husband Store.
A brand new store opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
Women shopping had to follow these simple rules: “You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase on each floor. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!”
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but…
She goes to the 4th floor: “These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.”
“I just died and went to heaven!” she exclaims. Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads:
“Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.”
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Dude your story was AWSOME and you are hilarious…now get your ass up off the couch and change your daughter’s god damned shitty diaper!!!!!! WTF?!?!?!
Oh…wait…Dave???? Honey???? Is that you????
grrrrrrrr!!!!
My hubby hates hearing me “grrrr” more than having to change a dirty diaper. I lucked out that way. Either that or my grrrrr’s sound way more menacing than yours : )
Oh, and if I’m in a particularly pissy mood, I combine the menacing “grrrrr” with withholding sex for weeks. My hubby NEVER ignores poopy diapers. grrrrrrrr!!!!
My husband can’t hear on the same frequency of a grr.
But this reminds me of a post I’ve been meaning to write.
Hmm, so you’re cutting him slack eh? I do not think my sympathy bone has that much left on it. Although with triplets, I have to say, there is no way you are avoiding helping me out when we get a triple play. NO WAY.
Slack? In this situation, I’m afraid not. It’s more like sarcasm wrapped in faux empathy.
Wow, you guys change dirty diapers in your nursery? At our church we get called out (with a handy number system) and have to take care of it ourselves!
Too perfect! My husband was the same way. But I had to read YOUR post to put it all in perspective and see it from his side. Because, quite honestly, I’m still holding it against him!
My ex used to gag repeatedly when the poopy diaper was opened. I NEVER bought it though because we had dogs before we had kids and he cleaned up their sh*t without hesitation.
So…I got back. When the boys pooped in the bathtub (Which happened a LOT at our house), I gagged like nobody’s business. I call out for him and tell him I “just couldn’t”. He would catch the floater, empty the bath tub, and refill it. Yeah…I would much rather clean one off a bottom than one floating any day.
I have a friend who owns a play cafe, one of those indoor play places where moms and dads can get kickass food and the kids can play. And she maintains awesome bathrooms and baby friendly everything. And *every* single day someone changes their baby in the eating area on the floor. And people gag. And an employee says “we have great changing area in the bathroom” and the parent *always* says, “oh, thanks. We’re fine right here.”
Your kid’s shit stinks. You’re used to it. But the guy with the brie and apple sandwich over there isn’t.
(not you, ck. I’m sure your kids have little butterflies and buttercups flying out of their asses. Everyone else, though, your kid’s shit does stink.)
Fine right there, my a55! I don’t think they’d be so fine about it if I went over and took a dump on my plate at their table. Why??? Why do people think its fine to handle sh*t in an area designated for EATING!
Gag!
I got to thunking (yes, I thunk, it’s a mommy version of thinking…)
I do not get/have to stay home with my kid.
I miss 8-10 hrs of diapers a day.
I do not gag nor fuss when said poopy diaper needs to be changed in the evening or on the weekends. Nor do I do take him back to the sitter and say, “What’s one more?” And I even PAY this woman. CK, you’re a “freebie.”
Mr. Butcher, you are finally starting to seem more human.
If you provide the $ that buys the food that “makes” the poo, you are actually RESPONSIBLE for causing the poo and should be the sole poo changer after you arrive home. Just my opinion…
My hubs did change diapers, but it came with a lot of gagging and (fake?) choking noises. I ignored them.
*LOL* I totally get you on this. My friend left her son with me and I had to change his poopy diaper. Now he was 2 1/2 and it wasn’t a real raunchy diaper at all.. little turds actually, and it totally gagged me. Even when my husband came in from putting the garbage out that evening said he could tell I had another child here because the poop smelled different. I swear every kid does smell different, I think we just get used to our own. I turned down a regular babysitting job for this friend totally because of the poopy diaper factor and me gagging over it. I turned down $50.00 a day. Sighhhh.
My wife and I are expecting our first child in Feb 2010. I have been instructed that there is no way I can get out of poop detail. Especially since after her maternity leave is over and she goes back to work then I will be taking 6 weeks off to stay home with the baby.
I’ve got 4 more months to get ready and roll up my sleeves!
Thanks for the great story!
Oh, and in a rare shout out to Spouse, he changed as many diapers as he could because he thought it was bonding time. He changed every single diaper in the hospital and felt that was his specialty. And that he’d be locked out of all the parenting if he didn’t claim something as his own.
Go Spouse!
Must be a guy thing. You know the one, where they pretend they can’t do it, on purpose.
mhhh i thought children were generally husbands children too.. i wouldnt take that excuse. if your child is an unknown child to you, huh…. the rest of the sentence is not polite.
So true. And sorry you had to do that. Gross.
No way he helped create them, so I say he has to help change them. We trade off on the weekends, every other diaper is mine. As for poop it’s just the luck of the draw.
It’s amazing how other kids’ poop stinks so much worse than my own kids. Defies logic, truly.
My husband changed diapers but not without a lot of bitching/gagging. And its true, your own kids’ shit isn’t as bad as someone else’s kids.
I considered doing full-time daycare from home. This is a perfect example of why I decided against it. I watch one little girl one half-day a week, and luckily, she saves her crappy diapers for her mother. woot!
And for the record, I have to give my hubs a shout out here. He’s awesome about doing his fair share of poopy-bum wiping.
When your husband works on little babies in the ICU, no excuses. I am proud to say my husband has changed his share of poopy diapers. As for changing other kid’s diapers (after mine hasn’t been wearing one in 2 years), I probably would avoid changing it too…
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! gasp, gasp, breathe ,breathe! Oh that was funny :)
Our house has been diaper free for over a year now. I think that is the biggest factor in NOT having another baby! I can’t even think about changing another poopy diaper!
We have been diaper free for almost a year now too and I won’t even offer to change a diaper unless there is no other adult in the room. I’ve done my time. And also, I’m not used to it anymore, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it.
My husband frequently gagged at poopy diapers, but he knew that I had no sympathy for him. Once, he was changing a poopy diaper and said, “Oh god, this is awful.” I said, “Yeah, I know — smells just like yours.” MEN!!!
BLECH. I can honestly say I’ve never changed a child’s shit that wasn’t my kid. For that I am thankful. Jamie is actually the go to poop changer, Elliot LOVES it when he changes poop cause he says goofy things like “I LOVE POOP! I’M A LUCKY GUY!” and she will seek him out to tell him he’s a lucky guy and that she has poop. Works out great for me.
Oh, man, do I ever feel you on this one. I HATE changing the diapers of children not my own. My friend going through the (interminable) divorce keeps having to bring her daughter over for me to watch while she goes to counseling, lawyering, mediation, etc. And that kid is a shit machine. I want to die when she poops while in my care, which she usually does at least once per visit. Also? I once retched and gagged and screamed, “Go away! Go away!” at a poor little 2-year-old whose snotrods I’d tried to pinch off from her nose while I was at my friend’s family’s Thanksgiving when I was in college. I was on a tethered phone, and she’d been trying to show me something, and I couldn’t reach a Kleenex, so I decided, “What the heck? I see moms just use their hands all the time. I could do it.” Was I ever wrong. I’m not sure which one of us was more traumatized. Yeah, other people’s kids’ bodily fluids (and solids) are disgusting.