the top 10 sick day revelations

10 – Mornings are lovely. Calm and relaxed with a hint of excitement in the air. While still in her pajamas a mother might drink her Chai and ponder things like: Why does an unexpected change make a day at home (alone) with the girls feel so promising? Or Why didn’t she want to homeschool her offspring?

9 - Diarrhea is SERIOUS. It used to be that you couldn’t send your baby in with it for fear that either the caretakers or other babies might smear themselves with infected poo and bring the germs home themselves. Now it’s a matter of sound. A kindergartner can’t be expected to attend when the bathroom is in her classroom.

8 - The second child is actually a male cat. When the second child is sick and first child doesn’t get “enough” attention, she whines and picks and makes things miserable. When the first child is sick and second child doesn’t get enough attention? She pees on things and wanders away.

7 - A mom’s sudden energy is based on lies. She gets the house cleaned, the laundry done, the pantry straightened. While inspecting her success she realizes that she hasn’t been this productive since last winter when…she was home alone with two kids all the time. Which is when she understands that her house is clean because she’s hiding from her kids…

6 - Diarrhea causes hearing loss and mental weakness. Household 5YOs have reported the inability to stand up to the wiles of their 3YO siblings when afflicted with said illness. They HAD to let their sister climb on their back. They HAD to then flip her into the Christmas tree, even though they’d been told repeatedly to stop. “She’s stronger than me today. I have diarrhea.”

5 - 2:30 is DEVIL spelled with numbers. On a regular school day 2:30 is refreshing. One child is quiet-timing, the other still has an hour left of school. But 2:30 on a sick day? Everyone is bored, whiny, argumentative, demanding. No one wants to rest (other than the mother who checked out around 1) and they are stuck in the house, alone, because they’re infected.

4 - People will cancel playdates over diarrhea. This is shocking for certain mothers as they watch the desperately needed diversion turn away from their home after being informed. Really? Didn’t they notice how clean the house was? Couldn’t they smell the disinfectant from the vestibule? Admittedly the second child pees on things, but she’s NOT the sick one!

3 - “Dirty Talk” for a mom differs from “Dirty Talk” for a woman. Because now, a mom feels dirty saying things like, “Sit still and watch the movie. IF you’re not gonna watch it, then I’m turing it off,” but she leaves it on anyway. Because the idea of turning it off with 4 hours to bedtime makes her panic.

2 – You have to go the extra mile to make sure the day sucks for the kid. Like enforcing a “no hot chocolate clause,” and Sick-Day Naps and early bed-time. They have to say, “You never let me do ANYTHING!” at least five times or else they’ll never want to go back to school.

1 - Eavesdropping, once an endless source of entertainment graduates into a survival tool. Otherwise after a sick day the mother might be so glad she decided against homeschooling that she’ll fail to notice she’s been had by her kindergartner. Until she overhears:

3YO: This fun! I not wanna go to school ‘omorrow.

5YO: Oh, that’s easy. Just pretend that you’re sick.

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