We all wonder who are kids will be when they grow up. (And don’t lie, we all kinda wonder who that monster kid from down the street will be, too…and hope he moves away before we find out.) We watch our little darlings for signs of talents or passions, and look away from the things we hope are just phases. We can shoe-horn a career into every random thing they do.
What? That’s just me?
So what. Back off.
10 – INTERPRETER: Why close the door when you can teach someone the signs? “Mama, just so you know, when my hands are holding the toilet seat, that means I’m going number one. If they’re patting my legs, it means number two.”
9 – HEALTH INSPECTOR – My kids examine every restaurant bathroom at least once per visit. Sometimes twice. Three times if the soap smells good.
8 – PRIVATE EYE: This is Grandma Bunny, the ONLY parental figure in the Max & Ruby series and a woman unafraid of getting old as her birthday is celebrated in every other book.
She is a darling shade of gray in every single book she’s appeared in thus far (and we currently have 8 out from the library) EXCEPT in this one frame of Bunny Mail.
And guess who discovered her secret identity? That’s right. My 3YO super sleuth.
7 – SNITCH: ME: “They’re having so much fun, but we should really head home soon. I haven’t cooked a real meal in a while.” FRIEND’S MOM “I know. ONE told me you’ve made her nothing but pancakes and raviolis this week and what her tummy really wants is a ‘healthy dinner.’”
6 – AIRPORT SECURITY: I bet you didn’t even notice they felt you up, did you?
5 – HUSTLER – “See Mama?” she said, stuffing lunch money into the top of her shirt. “I told you, I don’t need to bring a backpack to school.”
4 - GAME SHOW HOST – “Just answer the question, Mama. Would you rather drink ranch dressing, or chop off TWO’s head?”
3 – BABYSITTER: So far neither have drowned while watching each other in the bathtub.
2 – LIVIA SOPRANO: “Just kill me, Mama! It’s your only chance of me not being mean.”
1 – MONSTER KID FROM DOWN THE STREET: “I didn’t mean for her to get hurt! I just wanted to see if she wouldn’t fall! I just wanted to give her a challenge!”
Guess who’s retiring young? That’s right. My kids rule.
©2011 CEK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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{ 21 comments }
OMG, #3. I refuse to let them gt a whiff of the soap, because if it smells goos it is ALL THEY TALK ABOUT the rest of the meal, then they beg to get back in there for one more inhale. Freaks.
LOVE IT! So funny and clever! Our daughters are two peas in a pod, for sure. Much to my chagrin, I would have to add “Pole Dancer” to my list though. My daughter seems to have a penchant for gyrating and wrapping her legs suggestively around any vertical support structure, regardless of girth. I have to admit, the girl’s got skills. Maybe she’ll be the next Jenna Jameson and I can retire young too.
Bwahahahah!! Good to know that my 3 year old isn’t the only stipper/pole dancer out there.
Dude. I just laughed so hard. I totally don’t notice it anymore when they feel me up, but the bathroom code had me rolling.
Hysterical! I love it! My two have done all those and more. You are so creative. :)
Okay, CK. Now you have to tell us what your response to #4 was. Not because we think you’d actually reach for a cleaver but because we need to know what to do if we end up being guests on ONE’s game show some time in the future ;)
I think Ck hesitated. why else would one insist that she answer the question. too funny!
I am positive that my little guy will be the next infomercial host. one of his first words was Sham-Wow! and if I say something is too much money, he says “Cash for Gold, Mom!” clearly, the tv is on waaay too much at my house.
We’re going to be a maker of pink dresses and a garbage man, if the current trends continue. Do your sweet hustlers need a new wardrobe or perhaps a joy ride in a big, loud, stinky truck?
I loved this! I used to do this (and still do – he’s 16 – so what?). The game show host made me laugh because when mine was small he informed me that he was going to grow up and take Regis Philbin’s place on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.
Too funny! You brought me back to our bathroom inspection days. It lasted much longer with my daughter than my sons. Must be a girl thing!
Are you raising my kid? Numbers 10, 9, 7, 4 & 2….my life. My entire freaking life.
Funny sh*t here! Why do us girls love public bathrooms when we are young? I did too. I remember my mom making such fun of me for it.
Oh my goodness! My third constantly tries to feel me up…in public, much to the horror of his older brothers. And #10 and #1 for sure, are favorites in my house too.
Kind of scary that I’m busting my ass for college pre-paid accounts with the likes of these shenanigans, huh?
Seriously?!?! I’m just hoping my kids aren’t 35 and still living in my basement! Now I gotta start looking for those talents! I gotta make sure I get to grow senile in the peace and quiet of a non child inhabited home!!!
I think your kids and my kids are having late night IM sessions.
Holy, crying in laughter. Indeed. Indeed. Hey, at least they have options!
Laughing so LOUD this morning. Can always count on you and your writing CK.
How about beggar? Doesn’t matter where we go or what we do, they always seem to be asking someone for something, usually food-related (matters not if we’ve just eaten!)
Kids never get over the snitch thing. Which is odd, since the parents have a huge collection of stories on them, too. But somehow, we never use them.
My mom was convinced that I’d be a stripper when I grew up.
We used to think the same thing of my middle son. Naked. All. The. Time.