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A few months ago ONE came home with tales of her first MEAN GIRL (we don’t actually call her that, btw). MEAN GIRL was in the second grade and appeared to be going out of her way to tease ONE about her name, saying, “Hiiiiii ONE” in a sneery, mean voice, causing the girls around her to laugh. She also told ONE that second graders could send kindergarteners to the principal’s office. Even after ONE did some detective work and found out that MEAN GIRL was lying and had no such power, she started going out of her way to avoid her.
Since MEAN GIRL wasn’t physically harming ONE, and ONE was handling herself well and being open about it, we decided to watch the situation play out. We kept an eye on her moods and behaviors and how she acted before and after school. The only thing we advised her to do was to consider praying about MEAN GIRL, because often the meanest people are also the saddest and most unhappy. ONE initially refused, because why should she do something nice for someone who made fun of her name? We told her it was her choice, but often prayer helps us feel better too, especially when we can’t control the situation. She pondered it for a day or so, and then started praying, “Dear Lord, please help MEAN GIRL to be happy and maybe even nice.” It became a habit over the next few months, and even though nothing changed, she continued to pray. And on the days when MEAN GIRL was meaner than usual, I noticed that ONE would pray a little longer.
Last month, At ONE’s 6-year check up, the doctor turned to her and asked if she’d met any “mean girls” yet. ONE told her all about her experiences and the doctor advised her to say “Hi, MEAN GIRL” in a cheerful, happy tone, when MEAN GIRL teased her about her name, therefore showing MEAN GIRL that she wasn’t bothered by it. I bit my tongue. I didn’t agree with the doctor because something like that could go bad quickly, especially if ONE got the tone wrong.
But I decided to keep my mouth shut and wait for ONE to mention it later. As we left the office she turned to me and said, “I don’t think the doctor gave me good ideas, Mama. Because MEAN GIRL might think I’m making fun of her, and that would make things worse.” I kissed her on the top of her head and told her how proud I was of the way she thought things through.
After prayers that night, ONE took my hand and motioned me down to whisper:
ONE: Mama? When I prayed for MEAN GIRL tonight, I got a feeling in my heart that I need to apologize to her.
ME: Really? What for?
ONE: Well, the first day when she teased me, I think it might have been because I pushed past her to get to the monkey bars and didn’t say I was sorry.
ME: Oh, I didn’t realize that happened.
ONE: Yeah, it did. But I’m just so embarrassed to apologize now.
Little did she know that she was the offspring of a professional public apologizer. I shared a few g-rated examples that made her laugh and told her that no matter how embarrassing it was, she’d always feel better after an apology, especially when she had a “feeling in her heart” that she needed to be honest. That feeling was the Holy Spirit, and if she chose to ignore the feeling in her heart, it would get quieter and quieter until she couldn’t really hear it anymore.
ONE: So you mean I have to apologize?
ME: No, you don’t have to apologize. We will love you just the same if you don’t. But you have to make that decision for yourself.
And that was that. Nothing more was said about MEAN GIRL, save for ONE’s daily prayers. And then the other day when I picked her up from school she rushed over to me and jumped into my arms.
ONE: Guess what, Mama? Me and MEAN GIRL are friends! I said I was sorry to her for cutting her off at the monkey bars and she was so surprised. She said it was okay and then asked me if I wanted to play with her! And now we’re friends! I’m so glad I prayed about it!
Next to public apologies, public tears mess me up the most. I hugged her and told her how proud I was of her. And I bit back the overwhelming desire to pump her for details (I can’t help it. As a mom and a writer I want to hear it all from start to finish. Detail for detail. Maybe twice). Because 6YOs are stingy storytellers when it’s stuff you really want to hear about. And I didn’t want her to relive everything again and perhaps lessen her exhuberance. So instead I chased her around the playground and then backed away and watched her play with her friends. It’s amazing how kids do that. They experience something profound and then move on, wasting not another minute on whatever has concluded.
Maybe I should start doing that myself…
©2011 CEK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
{ 21 comments }
What great parental advice. So glad to have read this. Tell One I said “you go girl.”
Great post, CK. ONE is young, but she shows a lot of maturity for her age. I love that she is 6 and already sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit when she prays. (Or maybe we all hear better as kids…kids are more prone to be straightforward and uncomplicated, and then we grow into adults that OVER-complicate things and tend to talk themselves all too often out of that “feeling in their heart”?) cough*me*cough
Kudos to ONE. And to YOU for being a wise, awesome mom.
I think you’re right, Kim. I know I was way more receptive as a kid, too. And as I grew up it got easier and easier to talk myself out of the “feelings in my heart.” When it was just me, I could brush it aside. But the second it started affecting my kids, everything changed. Ahhhh…the stuff they don’t tell you before having kids!
You’ve wowed me again. You and ONE. I need lessons, please!
Wow, this story impressed my heart and brought tears to my eyes. What a precious parenting moment!!
CK I’m so proud of One too. The story brought tears to my eyes, she was so brave. Realizing that she may have hurt someone’s feelings and then apologizing for it, some adults can’t even do that.
What a beautiful reaction ONE had when she prayed! I love how you allowed her to make the decision, letting the Holy Spirit guide her. Just beautiful ck! Oh, to have the heart of a child that listens to the Spirit’s quiet, insistent voice!
Thank you for bringing back Sinners, Club! I’ve missed it!
They teach us so much, don’t they?
What a wonderful way to describe the feeling in the heart, and the danger of not listening to it.
We could all take a page out of One’s book. :)
She has a wonderful heart, your little girl. I pray I’ll be able to handle my daughter’s first mean girl experience with as much grace and courage.
It’s hard. They get mean so early, and this is nothing compared to what I’ve caught other little girls saying. Even though I’ve bitten my tongue so far (and almost completely off in some cases), I know it won’t get any easier as she gets older and starts to really understand what’s happening around her. You’ll probably find me praying for her little friends/enemies so I don’t bite their heads off!
YOu never cease to surprise me with your wonderful parenting and teaching your children about how God works in our lives. Thank you for sharing!
Ok, this one is one of my favorites now. I am so glad I was lead here to read your writings.
I never know what to say to my son about mean kids at school.
right now, my son is concerned with being forgiven. “momma, you forgive me, right? for running ahead, for taking an extra cookie, for.. but you forgive me momma, right?” I do my best to quelch his fear, he sounds so desperate. I have friends who say he is an old soul. I hope that means he can learn these lessons quickly and not have to repeat them, like I do.
My daughter is an old soul as well, and she also tends to dwell on being forgiven. (I’m not sure if the two issues are connected, but sometimes they seem to be.) This may/may not help you, but when my daughter gets caught up in either “do you forgive me” on one specific area for the millionth time, or “I don’t deserve for you to forgive me” (she’s also a tad dramatic) I remind her that God calls us to always forgive, and that includes forgiving ourselves. Once we apologize from our hearts, we need to let it go. Sometimes that resonates with her, other times not so much and she continues to stew a little. But eventually, if nothing else, she gets bored and moves on.
I seriously think ONE is better at communicating at 6 than I am at 39, that she could articulate she was embarrassed to apologize so much later, is so grown up. Well I’m just gonna give credit where it’s due; Mom, GREAT job teaching that kid of yours! Can you come work with my 4 yr old? I can’t understand what his problem is these days. ;)
ha! only if you come and work with my 3YO. she’s not a verbal communicator, so it’s like anything/everything I learn now won’t apply later. <>
This is so lovely CK. I am impressed by both Mama’s and One’s grace. We could all learn from your example.
You Rock My World.
I am so proud of you both. You are an awesome mommy.
Wow, not only have I admired your writing in the past, and your parenting skills, but now I admire your ability to bring God into your daily conversations with your kids. Very cool. I definitely need to be taking lessons. We recently have been “church shopping” and we finally feel like we’ve found a place we can call our spiritual home. Our renewed emphasis on finding the right home for us is a direct result of wanting my kids to have a deep connection to God – I think without kids, this wouldn’t have been important to me and we would have continued doing what we were doing (which really wasn’t fulfilling). It’s amazing how we want to better ourselves for the sake of our kids. I guess I’m a little off topic, but I really admire your approach. It makes me want to do better.
(and I know what you mean about wanting to know every single detail, sometimes twice. It drives my husband CRAZY. I guess I should be aware that it will drive my kids crazy too).