dear google

by ck on January 5, 2012

Dear Google,

We’ve been together for a long time. I remember you before you were a verb (when used with an object), when you were nothing more than an Ask Jeeves alternative. Sure it’s been on-and-off. I know you’ve had (many) other women, and I’ve tried several other search engines, but in the end, we always came back to each other because it was only when we delved into the world of online intrigue that we truly felt lucky.

You’ve been like a third parent to me. Slipping information I didn’t ask for into the answers I was seeking. Excusing my distracted behavior because you knew what was really going on behind my related searches. Directing strangers to my blog who couldn’t possibly have been looking for it, like the guy searching for “shorts with balls hanging out” or the individual who needed to know “Tom Hanks, how long he pees.” Imagine their surprise when they landed on my site? And my surprise when they returned?

We were allies. I disappeared into your web of information when my kids overwhelmed me, and you comforted me with about 30,800,000 results (in 0.22 seconds).You didn’t judge me for creating absolute truth from information gleaned on pages 1 and 2. Instead, you lifted my spirits and helped me spend money. You kept me abreast of news after it broke, but before CNN could puree it into my vegetables. You saved all of my emails when no one else cared, and still my mailbox was only 46% full. If my husband knew how many words I’ve hoarded in your infinite space, he’d probably find a way to put me on his show.

You loved me. I know you did. Which is why your betrayal makes no sense. You concealed me so well for so long, why expose me now? Is it because you’re part human and feel emotions? Is it because I don’t utilize Chrome? Is it because I completely forgot about Google+ until writing this post? I never meant to neglect you. And being that you are the soul of my computer, you know that I haven’t been messing around. I’ve just been…busy. With real life. All I’m sayin’ is that you and your friend Maps didn’t have to go and post this, Google:

I mean, really. Was it necessary to use this as the image people see when they plug in my address? You can’t possibly expect me to believe that you and your friends just happened to be photographing my street on the *one* day in 2009 when I cleaned my car. How long did you camp out in front of my house, waiting until I looked my absolute worst? You’re not fooling anyone with that blur on my face, either. Like someone else would just randomly stop on my street and vacuum my car for me. Look at my hair. My old shirt (that I still have). No wonder my search pages have been filled with ads for PacSun and Charlotte Russe.

My friends are telling me I should break up with you. Or rat you out to your parents, demanding they take this photo down. But I won’t. I’m an adult. I can take it. But for the sake of what we once were, and for all the hours we’ll spend together in the future, please let me know the next time you’re in town. I have just enough pride left to go away. Far away. For as long as it takes.

Yours forever,


PS: I will ask that you take down part of my street view, though. You posted my daughter on it. I’m okay calling her out in public when she’s whining and following me around. But you may not. She’s my daughter, not yours. And you didn’t ask my permission. Blurring her face does not make it okay. She was 4. Take it down.


Barenakedmummy January 5, 2012 at 7:24 am


It is not good that they posted the pic of your daughter on it but be grateful that you are only washing your car. Me, unfortunately am seen on it walking (and trying to keep fit) but looking fat – not a good thing!

Barenakedmummy´s last blog post ..You know me so well

Sara January 5, 2012 at 9:00 am

Wow! I didn’t know they did that. I checked my address and nada. Google is once again foiled by small village Ohio.
Sara´s last blog post ..Blessings

Birdy January 5, 2012 at 10:31 am

Oh wow…that’s unnerving. I didn’t realize that google could put up photographs of our houses. Technolgy is starting to scare me.

Ink January 5, 2012 at 11:31 am

I have always thought that posting pictures of people’s homes (even addresses…anyone else remember when all you had to do was remove your address from the phone book?) is a huge invasion of privacy! Grrrrr!

Cathy January 5, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Did you really report this to Google? I hope so. I just checked my house – which I from time to time – and the image has changed over the years. Had a friend who was putting out the trash in front of his house when the photo was taken – he was not happy.
Cathy´s last blog post ..i’ll tell you what i did

ck January 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Did your neighbor report it? Do you know if they took it down? I don’t even know where to start in terms of contacting someone about this.

Gigi January 5, 2012 at 7:33 pm

There is a way to report it but I’m sure it’s hidden in a labyrinth (as most Google-product’s are). I’d start with Google Maps. If it helps, I’m sure I have Google’s General Counsel’s address around (don’t ask – work related) that I could give you.

Technology is so wonderful – but at the same time really kind of creepy.
Gigi´s last blog post ..Pity Party? Party of one? Now seating, Pity Party?

Dawn @What's Around the Next Bend? January 5, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Found this link:
It is from 2007… so it is ANCIENT (LOL)
but maybe it will help you :)
Dawn @What’s Around the Next Bend?´s last blog post ..Santa might be late, but he is NEVER wrong

Casey January 7, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Well if that is the worst you look, then you have nothing to be worried about. I find it hilarious that they picked that day to drive by (but kudos to you for keeping a clean car, I find that task impossible).

I’m still in love with Google but things could change. Have you ever typed with one hand off by a key and had Google ask you if you meant to type (what you actually meant)? That’s how I know it’s true love.
Casey´s last blog post ..Happy Happy!

Tony Scott January 9, 2012 at 4:55 am

A low blow. You should really ask them to take down that photo, not only for your sake but for your daughter’s as well.
Tony Scott´s last blog post ..MSDS MGT: Is Illinois’ New Chemical Law Absurd?

Naptimewriting January 14, 2012 at 12:13 am

Trying really hard not to laugh. Reading on a small screen, and it looks like you’ve divested the car of its child-centric contents. The vac looks like a car seat, the rest of the things look like car detritus that some kid has puked on and you are now holding aloft in dismay.
Dismay. That’s how Google Maps encapsulates you, BMM.
Shame on them.
[still trying not to laugh. totally losing that battle.]
Naptimewriting´s last blog post ..Conundrum

Previous post:

Next post: