I’d like to say for the record that in real life I’ve never actually dropped a baby. (I almost pushed one out of a bucket swing when he was two, but in my defense I had no idea it was his first time in the swing and that not all kids loved being thrust as high as possible. Now I know.) But in my head? In the center of my imagination that dilated along with my cervix and then never retracted, many a little skull hath shattered at my feet.
The good news was that those fears melted away after TWO learned to walk. The bad news is that holding my nephew has brought them all back. And he’s the least likely candidate for droppage. He’s not yet interested in escaping the arms of one who loves him, and he’s so content to just relax and observe that he’s pretty much the easiest baby to be with. Yet holding him at the shoreline of the wave pool last week threw me into a fit of neurosis, a place so familiar it was like returning home after a prolonged absence. Or maybe it was the public pool water. Either way, it reminded me of one of the first pieces I wrote for ONE, on the day I left the hospital with her, years before I started blogging. And like the word hoarder I am, I still had it.
The Top 10 Places I Imagined Dropping You Today
10.) Between the mattress and aluminum railing of the hospital bed as I went from gently guiding to stuffing your limp arms into snowsuit sleeves clearly not designed to be worn.
9.) Over the side of the wheelchair as a chatty volunteer pushed us from the recovery ward to the hospital exit, rolling over every bloody piece of garbage on the floor because he was chatting to everyone he saw instead of paying attention to the baby he was sworn to protect for free.
Two things of note: 1 - prechild cars are crazy CLEAN, and 2 - it's not nice to laugh at other people's down Gaps. They know how they look.
8.) On the floor of the car as I struggled with the 5-point harness. (Why does Graco hate me?)
7.) Off the edge of the hospital roof I stared at as we pulled away from the building.
6.) Into the frosted grass as I attempted to pry the carrier off of the base. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t get you out of the secured harnasses, you were already a wiley one. You could slip out if you wanted.
5.) Across the kitchen linoleum when we first introduced you to the excited dog who had waited her entire life to play with you.
Two more things of note: 1 - this is how our bathroom came, thankyouverymuch, and 2 - you can't blame me for fearing the tub might rise up to claim my child. It's totally possible.
4.) In the porcelain bathtub and/or rusted sink we passed on the way to your bedroom.
3.) Off of the changing table (three times) even though you were asleep and didn’t know how to move yet.
2.) In Big George’s restaurant because even though I finally had my precious newborn babe swaddled and asleep in my arms, I’d put you down in a heartbeat if someone served me a Big George’s Greek salad with gyro and feta.
1.) Down the two flights of pea-green carpeted stairs I raced up (alone) when you finally stopped crying (because I was afraid that you might have suffocated in your crib).
It’s nice to know that good neuroses never die.
©2012 CEK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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{ 7 comments }
My 6 yr old son swears that his first memory is of me dropping him down the stairs with a bag of garbage. I always start out with denial, then …you were 9 mos old how could you possibly remember…it was only the last 3 stairs and they were carpeted…the bag of garbage broke your fall… Then he says yea, it did I hit my head on a can that was in that bag. Then I change the subject usually by giving him whatever he was last begging for. The good news is that his college fund is flexible. He could even use it for therapy.
Annnnnd now I’m back to my neuroses… LOL. I keep thinking that I’m so different than when i had my son- it’s been almost 10 years and I’ve changed. But yeah I’m starting to think not.
I wish I had seen this post two years ago. I actually went to a psychiatrist to find out why I had such horrible, heart palpitation inducing visions after my son was born. Turns out, I’m normal! And that’s enough to cause heart palpitations just by itself!
I’m not even a mom and I panic over the changing table when I change my nieces/nephews diapers (I like how I say this as though I change their diapers frequently.) I’m CONVINCED they are going to wriggle off of it and fall to their death.
Put a baby in a mom’s arms; any mom – no matter how long it’s been and she will definitely worry about dropping it…..or the tub rising up. What can we say? It’s the curse of being a mom.
You have a way of bringing it all back. My heart was leaping and flipping and flopping with every paragraph. Thanks for that. ;)
I thought I was the only one who did that…imagined dropping my babies. We are so weird.