vagina detectives

by ck on October 15, 2012

Two years ago, when life was a little simpler…

I was cleaning the kitchen when ONE interrupted to negotiate an early snack. She was making head-way on her plight for sugar when TWO interrupted to rue, “MY A-GINA HURTS!”

We turned and found a distraught TWO grabbing her a-gina, tears rolling down her face. She’d mentioned a little a-ginal discomfort the day before so I thought perhaps she was cultivating a UTI.

ME: How’d you hurt your vagina, TWO?

TWO: Well, I hurt-a-my-a-gina when…(insert a string of words that sounded Korean.)

ME (to ONE): Did you catch that?

ONE (taking charge): Did you run your vagina into the door, TWO?

TWO: No.

ONE: Did you hit it with a Barbie?

TWO: No!

ONE: Did you punch it like this?

ME: Wait! There will be no punching of the vaginas in this…

ONE punched her (own) vagina. They both cried.

I carried the injured parties upstairs for an impromptu a-gina soaking in the bathtub. I pumped TWO up for the amount of time she was about to spend on the training potty. We’re not “potty-training” her at this point, but she pees on the potty when she’s jonsing for some sugary reward treats. Anyway, if she had a UTI, I wanted to catch some of the urine to bring in for testing.

TWO was less than thrilled. She doesn’t care for the “baby potty.” ONE, understanding her plight, brought in some books to help pass the time. They sat across from each other and shared stories while ONE casually inspected her sister.

ONE: Mama! I know what the problem is!

ME: Oh yeah?

ONE: YES. TWO has a hole in her vagina.

TWO: OH NO! I have a hole in my a-gina?

ONE: I’m afraid so.

(More crying.)

ME: Relax, guys. So do you, ONE. All girls do.


This led to more bodily interrogations, though I declined the invitation to join. During the pre-bath brouhaha, TWO peed on the potty and didn’t have any reaction other than joy, so I figured it probably wasn’t a UTI. But I decided to keep the pee for a day or so, just in case.

They climbed into the tub and played for a few minutes.

TWO (sighing): Ohhhhhh…

ME: How’s the ol’ vagina feeling?

TWO: He’s sad.

I could feel the laughter creeping up my ribs. I closed my eyes and pretended I was washing dishes so it wouldn’t escape.

ME (in a whisper): Why’s HE sad?

TWO: Because he’s no good.

ONE: Don’t worry, I’ll figure out what’s wrong with himMama? Can you help me put these on?

She handed me a pair of goggles.

ME: Where did these come from?

ONE: Well, I wanted to wear them under the water so I could figure out what’s wrong with TWO’s vagina.

TWO: Me too! I wanna see too!

They did their best to close the case, but in the end were thwarted by the wiles of sneaky nether regions that didn’t hurt for the rest of the weekend. Guess there’s some merit to what they say down at the station. You just can’t trust a male a-gina.

(Which reminds me, I should probably take that pee out of the fridge before I forget it’s there and it spills on some ridiculously overpriced organic produce…)






Veronica August 30, 2010 at 6:10 am

I am cracking up over here, sad vaginas are the worst thing.

Carmen August 30, 2010 at 7:41 am

“Did you run your vagina into the door, TWO?”

Dang, I hate when that happens.
xo c

Melinda August 30, 2010 at 8:01 am

Thank you, this was just the laugh I needed on Monday morning.

Futureblackmail August 30, 2010 at 8:30 am

This is one of those things that isn’t in the parenting books. Chapter 4, Page 3 should be “You will keep pee.”
Futureblackmail´s last blog post ..IM ON A SCAVENGER HUNT – FOR MY MIND

Colleen August 30, 2010 at 8:31 am

Thank you for the Monday morning laugh!
We had some a-gina short term a-gina problems here too. In an effort to encourage some self-bum wiping, I purchased the “froggie wipes” aka Kandoos. Because of her excitement to use the cool, new “froggie wipes,” independence emerged! I was “checking” rather than being beckoned to the bathroom for my services. Success!
Unfortunately, after three or four a-gina irritations, genius mommy here figured out the “froggie wipes” were the problem. Ugh. Independent bum wiping attempts are long gone. Back to “MOMMA! MAAMAA! MUM! I DID POOPS!” Of course in voice loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear.

Tiffany August 30, 2010 at 8:37 am

Thanks for the laugh this morning!!!

Susie @newdaynewlesson August 30, 2010 at 8:40 am

LMAO-you had me rolling on the floor with this one.
Susie @newdaynewlesson´s last blog post ..Some Things Are A Constant

ShannonL August 30, 2010 at 8:41 am

LOL! Oh, this was too funny! I’m sorry HE was sad! I hope he feels better soon. :-)
ShannonL´s last blog post ..Six Word Friday- Im not waiting

Justine August 30, 2010 at 8:41 am

This is priceless. Perhaps they should star in a new Broadway show, The Vagina Dialogues?
Justine´s last blog post ..What I have learned so far

Jen August 30, 2010 at 8:52 am

Don’t even know what to say except this…
In our house it goes like this at bath time:
Peanut: girls have vaginas, boys have penises. U have a penis Little Man. Oh wait look I have a small penis too. Mommy ur wrong see my penis.

Me: no honey that is still ur vagina, girls have vaginas and boys have penises.

Little Man then proceeds to stick his finger in his belly button and yells: My Po-china

Man my kiddos are all mixed up

TheKitchenWitch August 30, 2010 at 9:56 am

I love ONE’s horror that TWO’s vagina had a hole! The shock! And you learn something new every day–I didn’t know any vaginas were *he’s*!

Heather - Notes From Lapland August 30, 2010 at 10:16 am

Oh my god! they have holes in them? *snigger* great post. Susie at newdaynewlesson pointed me this way and I’m very glad she did.
Heather – Notes From Lapland´s last blog post ..What Lengths Will You Go To For A Cup Of Tea

Babs August 30, 2010 at 11:14 am

over heard at work this morning…”hahasnnnnerrkkkeeehaaaahaaa!” male co-worker “watsso funny?” me: “geesh, you boys think you got it bad. betcha never ran it into a door before.”

that was too funny! thanks!

~Laura August 30, 2010 at 11:22 am

Hilarious! Glad “he’s” ok.
~Laura´s last blog post ..100 Things About Me

Cathy August 30, 2010 at 11:29 am

This is hysterical. I am racking my brains trying to recall if anything even remotely close to this happened in my family over the past 15 years. Nope, not even close. Guess boys really are different than girls.
Cathy´s last blog post ..The Stress Of It All

Mrs.Mayhem August 30, 2010 at 12:51 pm

Besides this entire episode being so freaking hilarious, it is very sweet that ONE was so concerned about TWO’s a-gina.
Mrs.Mayhem´s last blog post ..Wherein I Let My Freak Flag Fly

jessica August 30, 2010 at 12:59 pm

Peeing myself laughing – ONE punching herself pretty much put me over the edge.
jessica´s last blog post ..Prime Example

Kelly August 30, 2010 at 1:18 pm

We have lots of a-gina talk around here, though we call ours Chinas. Today while I was cleaning apples we picked this weekend, my hellion stripped down and tried to squat and see where her pee came from. Because she’s tired of her China always having pee in it!

She would be in hog heaven with your girls and the goggles.
Kelly´s last blog post ..The wait

Christine LaRocque August 30, 2010 at 3:43 pm

I hardly know what to say, I’m shaking because I’m laughing so hard. In our house it’s Peter’s. My oldest tells me when his is “strong.” It gets me every time.
Christine LaRocque´s last blog post ..Coming soon

Stacia August 30, 2010 at 4:40 pm

I’m trying so very hard not to laugh the pee right out of my a-gina. And as I look at that cute-as-can-be picture of ONE and TWO in surely one of their first females-bonding-in-the-bathroom experiences, I’m wondering … Why do kids always take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom??
Stacia´s last blog post ..Haiku Friday

Gigi August 30, 2010 at 5:00 pm

After the day I had – I needed this! And I will remember to keep my agina well away from any doors!
Gigi´s last blog post ..Apparently- Im turning into my mother

Jersey Girl Gets Real August 30, 2010 at 6:09 pm

This was awsome! Sometimes kids are SO adorable…other people’s kids that is. Mine were never this cute.
Jersey Girl Gets Real´s last blog post ..Cast of Characters- Daddy’s Little Girl

Sara August 30, 2010 at 7:20 pm

OOOOOO! LOL Just hysterical! OH NO! There is a hole in yours….afraid so. hahahaha! and the banging it into the door, just was too much. haha! We do a lot of bum inspections around here. Someday I will not have to wipe or powder another butt. Someday.
Sara´s last blog post ..Little Blue Riding Hood Cape

GoonieMomma August 30, 2010 at 7:25 pm

Oh, CK. I miss you. New job, zero time for stalking you. Thought I’d stop by and the a-gina blog was a-waiting for me. A-perfect. Lil’ Daddy is playing with peepee training (yeah, cuz when I said to make potty on the potty, he threw his baby pot in the big pot) and likes a VERY up-front view of what I’m doing. He was SHOCKED. “Mama, where’da penis GO?!” I told him that mine crawled up inside of me. Oh dear. AND, (it’s been a WHILE, hasn’t it) I’m pregnant, so the other kicker is when I kissed his tummy and he screamed, “NO kissing MINE’S UTERUS!” I got some ‘splaining to do, Lucy.

Jane August 30, 2010 at 7:50 pm

This little glimpse into One and Two’s interaction/horror/discovery/etc. is just too precious! Makes me wish I had two little girls. Don’t even get me started on my two little boys…..wait. That’s leaving too much to your imagination. Suffice it to say, I’m finding the fascination with the male nether regions to be a bit overboard. But then, they *are* males, after all.
Jane´s last blog post ..The 10 “How To’s” I Hope I Never Need

Maria August 30, 2010 at 9:02 pm

Menstration, menopause, and now, to discover that my a-gina is a “he”…now I know I have problems….Thanks for the laugh…Made me think back to when my sister and I were little. We would always keep each other company in the bathroom. Five kids between us later, we still do…
Maria´s last blog post ..Holding on- letting go

Country-Fried Mama August 30, 2010 at 9:04 pm

“Law & Order: Vagina Detectives” could be the next great franchise for Dick Wolf!
Country-Fried Mama´s last blog post ..Deep thoughts- toddler style

Heather August 30, 2010 at 9:09 pm

You just can’t make up stuff like that! And how creative to pull out the goggles!!! Thanks for the giggle today:)
Heather´s last blog post ..Proud Mommy Moment

Steel Magnolia August 30, 2010 at 11:24 pm

Steel Magnolia´s last blog post ..Weve Come a Long Way- Baby- Just to Turn Back Around

Dawn @ What's Around the Next Bend? August 30, 2010 at 11:31 pm

Oh CK!! Seriously I am laughing SO hard right now! Conversations like this don’t happen like this at my house… More like, “Mom, how do you pee… I mean, since you don’t have a penis” Yeah, cause penises are EVERYTHING! LOL
The fact that TWO called it a HE… hehehehe
Dawn @ What’s Around the Next Bend?´s last blog post ..Amongst the faithful

The Mother August 31, 2010 at 8:18 am


We compare male type parts in this house. It occasionally gets pretty macho. So mom generally gets toxic testosterone doses fast and cuts out early.
The Mother´s last blog post ..Cartesian Dualism Does NOT Get You out of Chores

Lanita August 31, 2010 at 8:53 am

Or mistakenly add it to your coffee.
Lanita´s last blog post ..Cows &amp Chows

Rudri Patel September 1, 2010 at 12:14 am

Too too funny. Thanks for the laugh this evening!
Rudri Patel´s last blog post ..Grateful

Gibby September 1, 2010 at 8:12 am

Poor TWO. I don’t blame her for being upset. I hate when my a-gina is sad, too.
Gibby´s last blog post ..Sing Louder- Taylor

Casey September 1, 2010 at 1:33 pm

Oh my gooseness. Hahha, punching of vaginas is hilarious.
Elliot is fascinated by the fact that she has one and Graham has a penis, pronounced “peanut”. And pretty much every night during bath time, we have to go down the lineup of every person we know and discuss whether they have a peanut or agina. Tell me this phase ends soon.
Casey´s last blog post ..Random Thursday Thoughts – The Madness That Is BlogHer

Naptimewriting September 3, 2010 at 1:12 am

Can’t stop laughing. Can’t. Run it into the door? He’s sad. AND he’s bad. And goggles. I think I just hurt my a-gina, too.
Naptimewriting´s last blog post ..In which I whimper “Uncle”

Jessi September 3, 2010 at 10:48 am

Oh. My. God! That is the best thing I’ve read in a while! New to your blog but I’m so adding it to my blogroll!
Jessi´s last blog post ..Bug and the Boob Tube

onthenightyouwereborn September 3, 2010 at 3:11 pm

bahahahahahahahahahahaha. With two girls, I’m anticipating this type of episode as well. bahahahahahaha.
onthenightyouwereborn´s last blog post ..It’s Over

faemom September 3, 2010 at 3:43 pm

We totally need to write a book about our expereinces with our children’s potty training and nakedness.
faemom´s last blog post ..recap 9-3

Average Girl September 9, 2010 at 3:48 pm

Hehe…loved this! And, it all seemed quite logical to me, right down to the goggles. Fantastic!

Kaho September 14, 2010 at 4:24 am

Cindy, your blog is looking great!!! Love the new look! I loved reading about your story of a-gina! Having two girls, I feel like it’s coming my way, too.
Kaho´s last blog post ..Picking Flowers

Julia Hull September 15, 2010 at 3:07 pm

OMG – I only wish you could have been in the room while I read this. Whew! Thank you for that string of laughter – that felt good. :O)
Julia Hull´s last blog post ..Picture of the Days

Kim February 27, 2011 at 3:42 am

Freakin’ hilarious. Between running a-ginas into doors and ONE punching herself and HE is sad…you just can’t make this stuff up! :)

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