appropriate elevator conversations

by ck on September 18, 2013

What I Wished Happened …

The elevator door closes.

A CALM MOTHER (ME) and her WELL-BEHAVED DAUGHTERS (ONE – age 3, and TWO – age 0) share the tight, windowless space with ANOTHER MOTHER, TWO NANNIES, THREE STROLLERS, FOUR LOOSE KIDS and an OLD MAN.

…a Very Nice Old Man who stopped using deodorant sometime in the early 90′s.

VERY NICE OLD MAN (to Calm Mother): Your daughters are beautiful.

CALM MOTHER: Oh, thank you, Sir.

VERY NICE OLD MAN: And so well-behaved.

CALM MOTHER: Thanks. They’re doing very well today. Right, Pea?

ONE: Thank you, Mama.

They all stand in blissful quiet.

The elevator opens; everyone exits.

The End.

•                    •                    •

What Actually Happened…

VERY NICE OLD MAN (to calm mother): Your daughters are beautiful.

CALM MOTHER: Oh, thank…

ONE: Yeah, we are.

CALM MOTHER: Thank you, Sir. (To ONE) Say. Thank. You.

ONE: Mommy?

The Calm Mother is now Embarrassed Mother. She smiles at the Very Nice Old Man and pulls ONE close.

EMBARRASSED MOTHER: What did I just say?

ONE: Well, it’s just that my nose smells poopy.

All of the other loose kids in the elevator giggle. Their caretakers smile and look away. The Embarrassed Mother closes her eyes.

ONE: And I didn’t fart, and you didn’t fart and the baby didn’t fart. And I don’t think it smelled like a kid fart…

EMBARRASSED MOTHER: Ha, ha. Maybe your nose is telling you a story. And let’s whisper, okay? There are a lot of other people on the elevator…

ONE (whispers loudly): No, my nose was just sniffing around and found out that the old man smells like poopy.

The elevator opens.

No one moves.

The Embarrassed Mother starts the walk of shame, turns and smiles past the Very Nice Old Man.

EMBARRASSED MOTHER/BAD WIFE: Sir, I’m so sorry. It’s their father. He uses a lot of potty talk to compensate for not having a son.

She hustles her girls away from the elevator and towards the nearest exit.

It. Never. Ends.



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faemom December 15, 2008 at 7:03 pm

It could have been worse . . .

Tina December 15, 2008 at 10:53 pm

Oh my goodness I would have hightailed it outta there so fast. When my oldest was 2 we lived in a small town in the appalachian Mountains on TN. We were at a grocery store check-out when my son in his loudest voice ti the kind gentleman behind us in line ( who was African American)…..”man your diryt!” I died a thousand deaths on that spot.

Heather December 16, 2008 at 12:59 pm

oh lord please tell me this didn’t really happen.

ck December 16, 2008 at 1:02 pm

Other than the Very Nice Old Man, no one wishes it didn’t happen more than me…

The real Jill December 17, 2008 at 10:52 am

I’m stilll laughing… and yes, I’m aware I’m laughing at your own misery. I’m sure you’ll have the opportunity to pay me back once X starts talking!

outside voice December 17, 2008 at 12:26 pm

OMG, I just laughed so hard that my side hurts.

Ink Chick December 22, 2008 at 1:01 pm


court December 25, 2008 at 1:26 pm

*Snort* I laughed out loud and almost woke my baby darn you! Way too funny!!

Erica December 29, 2008 at 2:20 pm

I have to admit that I laughed when I read this! :) I also died a little inside for you. Aren’t kids fantastic?

A Reluctant Mom December 15, 2009 at 3:01 pm

Hilarious. Reminds me of the time when I was in an elevator with my youngest daughter, who was 2 at the time. A bald man entered and Aimee pointed at him and said, “Him have no hair.” I burst into laughter (because, hello, it was true) and smiled at the man, who had absolutely no sense of humor. Sigh.

Paige December 15, 2009 at 10:18 pm

Oh, that’s hilarious. And it makes me feel better about my own kids!

Jessica December 20, 2011 at 9:52 pm

So it’s not just my darling daughter who has such timely and accurate observations? It’s so hard not to laugh…or cry.
Jessica´s last blog post ..Thankful Thursday

Kelly December 21, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Oh that was funny. I will say I’m a tad bit jealous that yours didn’t lunge at the old man like mine lunged at the bell ringer, but it’s still funny.
Kelly´s last blog post ..The Bell Affair

Naptimewriting December 24, 2011 at 1:06 am

Those are the days we get to the car and I begin with, “Okay, new rule. When we smell poopy we don’t talk about it unless we’re in a bathroom.”

There is generally at least one new rule a day. Seriously. Proclaimed just like that.
Today? “Okay, new rule. If your brother has used the potty you MAY. NOT. bend him over to check if he needs a wipe. MAY. NOT.”

Maybe I could just have ONE tell me if her nose smells poopy.
Naptimewriting´s last blog post ..‘Twas the day before the night before Christmas

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