What I Wished Happened …
The elevator door closes.
A CALM MOTHER (ME) and her WELL-BEHAVED DAUGHTERS (ONE – age 3, and TWO – age 0) share the tight, windowless space with ANOTHER MOTHER, TWO NANNIES, THREE STROLLERS, FOUR LOOSE KIDS and an OLD MAN.
…a Very Nice Old Man who stopped using deodorant sometime in the early 90′s.
VERY NICE OLD MAN (to Calm Mother): Your daughters are beautiful.
CALM MOTHER: Oh, thank you, Sir.
VERY NICE OLD MAN: And so well-behaved.
CALM MOTHER: Thanks. They’re doing very well today. Right, Pea?
ONE: Thank you, Mama.
They all stand in blissful quiet.
The elevator opens; everyone exits.
• • •
What Actually Happened…
VERY NICE OLD MAN (to calm mother): Your daughters are beautiful.
CALM MOTHER: Oh, thank…
ONE: Yeah, we are.
CALM MOTHER: Thank you, Sir. (To ONE) Say. Thank. You.
The Calm Mother is now Embarrassed Mother. She smiles at the Very Nice Old Man and pulls ONE close.
EMBARRASSED MOTHER: What did I just say?
ONE: Well, it’s just that my nose smells poopy.
All of the other loose kids in the elevator giggle. Their caretakers smile and look away. The Embarrassed Mother closes her eyes.
ONE: And I didn’t fart, and you didn’t fart and the baby didn’t fart. And I don’t think it smelled like a kid fart…
EMBARRASSED MOTHER: Ha, ha. Maybe your nose is telling you a story. And let’s whisper, okay? There are a lot of other people on the elevator…
ONE (whispers loudly): No, my nose was just sniffing around and found out that the old man smells like poopy.
The elevator opens.
No one moves.
The Embarrassed Mother starts the walk of shame, turns and smiles past the Very Nice Old Man.
EMBARRASSED MOTHER/BAD WIFE: Sir, I’m so sorry. It’s their father. He uses a lot of potty talk to compensate for not having a son.
She hustles her girls away from the elevator and towards the nearest exit.
It. Never. Ends.
©2008 CEK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
WANT SOME DAILY AFFIRMATION THAT YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY BAD MOMMY OUT THERE? FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, INSTAGRAM, OR COME VENT ON FACEBOOK. WE’LL BAD-MOMMY IT TOGETHER.