Dumping Grounds

Frankly, I’m done.  I’m tired of carrying around bullsh*t baggage I didn’t ask for. I’m tired of how quickly it consumes me. Tired of feeling angry or guilty or just pissed off because people don’t mind their own business.

So I dumped it. Got it out of my head. And I was amazed at how many people joined in and shared intimate pieces of their hearts. And in getting my words out and reading theirs, I found some air to breathe. And I felt a little less alone. And the urge to finally let go.

Looking to leave some baggage behind?

Be my guest.

Guilt

Loving an Addict

Unsolicited Advice

Bad Mommy Moments

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{ 3 comments }

Delena July 21, 2009 at 11:03 pm

Just something I think you could appreciate…..

The other day I was having one of “those days”! I was pms’ing, tired, cranky, and just had no patience! PERIOD!!!! My 3yr. old daughter,Bella, of course, sensed my weakend state(as so many toddlers can) and was just seriouly working my very last nerve!!! I had had enough of the whining and dramatics.! I turned to her and said “Bella Sophia……(used her full name so you know she was in trouble!!)why are you so fresh today?” She then looks at me very matter of factly and replies, “I’m not being fresh Mother, you’re just in a mood.”
What do you say to that???? I seriously had to turn away so she would’nt seee me laugh,… because you know what ? She was probably right !!! LOL!!!

blabberty February 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

I was always socially awkward. As long as I can remember I haven’t known how to deal with people. Sure I would at times be considered a social butterfly but that was more because I didn’t know how to have a real relationship with anyone so I had a lot of acquaintances that would at times make me feel less lonely. But mostly I just kept to myself.

All stemming from a belief that no one really cared or ever would. Demons from a past life that I try desperately to leave behind. I’ve moved on and I’m not a kid anymore. I can stand on my own to feet.

After all I’ve been doing it for so long.

Anyway. I always figured if I found a guy that would just love me for me that’s all I would need and I wouldn’t be alone anymore.

So one day I met him. My (now) husband. He was pretty cute and fun and we could talk and he liked me.

Sure deep conversations were few and far between. And his body style isn’t really what I like. But he’s sweet and fun and he likes me.

On our wedding day I wanted to shout no when the officiant asked if I take him to be my husband. But I was scared. After all, who else would love me? And what would our friends and family think? Besides it was probably cold feet. I mean, I love him, right?

But I guess that when you’re desperate to not be alone you’ll do about anything. I remember thinking then that I could always just divorce him. And about the time I got pregnant I wanted to leave him. But in reality I don’t believe in divorce unless there’s adultery or abuse.

He certainly doesn’t cheat and he definitely doesn’t hit me. He’s an addict.

I knew he’d been clean for almost 10 years before I met him but the sobriety has always eluded him. I knew this when he proposed (like 4 times before I accepted) and when I married him. So clearly it’s my fault and my cross to bear.

But it sucks.

I hear and read about people being married to their best friend and love of their life. And I’m jealous.

I hear about these guys that do thoughtful things for their wives and kids. And I grow bitter.

Instead of being thoughtful or driven or any of the things he once seemed to be he’s selfish and child-like to the point of my not even bothering to try holding a normal conversation with him. My husband who was once intelligent and well spoken often resorts to cussing and double negatives. All he truly cares about is beer and his video games.

So I do almost everything around the house and for or with our daughter. But I get concerned about how his typical apathy will affect our daughters’ relationships for the rest of her life. Will she end up miserable as I am?

Don’t get me wrong, he’s great wit her when he others to pay attention. And I know that he thinks he loves us both very much.

I would love to go back to school and get another degree so I can switch careers. Or maybe have more then 20 minutes of me time a week. Or, heaven forbid, hang out with a friend occasionally. But I can’t. I’m trapped. Imprisoned by my husbands addiction and cuffed by my own responsibility.

Our precious little girl shouldn’t have to suffer because her father is a jerk. And he’s not a jerk just a liar, always promising to get sober or put down the video games, and an addict. Well I guess that’s redundant because addicts are liars by nature.

And I have brief moments of being wild about him. Not just during our occasional bought of intimacy but at other times he’s ok. But then for those times he does what he should do anyway he thinks he deserves a reward.

If I’m being honest then I would admit that what really makes me sad and jealous and bitter is that this is my lot in life. No part of my life has ever been easy. At no point have I ever felt a real connection with people or felt connected for any significant bit of time.

Yet I’ve always tried to strive to be a good person and do the right thing. So why is this my lot in life? Why do I deserve this and not one of those happy lives that you always hear about and see? When will someone take care of me instead of my working myself to exhaustion 7 days a week?

Life is never easy. And it turns out that is never more true then when you’re married to an addict. Especially when that leads to your almost always feeling like a single parent as well.

ck February 11, 2011 at 1:55 pm

I am so moved by your courage. Thank you for sharing your heart. The moment I finished reading your words I got down on my knees and prayed for you. For peace to wash over your spirit.

Though I’m not married to an addict, someone very close to me is one. He is a good man with a wonderful heart when he is sober. But when he binges…the range of emotions I battle during the weeks that follow are violent. The helplessness that always feels only one step away from strangling me gets tighter and tighter around my heart. The anger becomes an obsession; it’s often all I can think about. But it’s been during these times that I’ve witnessed the amazing hand of God on my children and husband, and on myself.

I won’t go on, because I don’t know where you stand (faith-wise) and there is nothing more irritating than someone going on about faith if it’s not shared. I just wanted to reach out and let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I may just be one person, and a stranger at that, but I’d be honored to share in your struggles. To listen (or read) what you battle in the day-to-day. To be a support and encouragement. You know how to reach me if you’d like to.

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